Category Archives: Science and Environment

REPUBLICANS FINALLY AGREE TO COMPREHENSIVE IMMIGRATION REFORM

imageWashington, D.C.  ( EXCLUSIVE to The Adobo Chronicles) – Just when immigration advocates, Democrats and even President Barack Obama have all but given up hope for congress to pass a comprehensive immigration reform this year,  Senate and House Republicans have put forward their most favorable proposal yet. It consists of total amnesty for the estimated 11 Million undocumented immigrants living in the U.S. — on one condition.

In an exclusive interview with The Adobo Chronicles, House Speaker John Boehner announced that a draft bill which has the blessing of both Republican senators and representatives, will be introduced in Congress early this week.

Boehner said that the Republicans have finally come to the conclusion that amnesty is the only way to fix the broken immigration system.  He said, however, that in order to make the reform truly comprehensive, it must not only address border security going forward but insure that the law applies to all creatures entering the United States. “This would include killer whales, elephants, lions, tigers and all animal species brought to this country by zoos, theme parks and circuses,” Boehner said.

The Adobo Chronicles obtained a copy of the draft bill which mandates that all these creatures must obtain a work visa if employed for entertainment purposes. They will also be required to obtain health insurance under Obamacare. After 5 years in the U.S., the creatures will be eligible for permanent residency, and susequently, citizenship, after another 5 years.

The White House has declined comment saying that President Obama has yet to see a copy of the draft bill.

See related article: “Undocumented Immigrants With Common American Surnames Will be Given Priority for Legalization.”

PRESIDENT AQUINO DECLARES ZOMBIE ZONES IN TYPHOON-RAVAGED PHILIPPINE COASTAL AREAS

Photo credit: AFP
Photo credit: AFP

Manila, Philippines – Amid protests from local officials and sharp criticism from international humanitarian agencies, Philippine President NoyNoy Aquino declared coastal areas in Haiyan (Yolanda) typhoon-ravaged towns and cities as ‘zombie zones.’

The presidential directive prohibits construction or reconstruction of houses along the coastlines of Leyte, Samar, Aklan, Cebu, Iloilo, Capiz and other areas affected by the most powerful typhoon ever to hit landfall. Under this new policy, no-build zones (NBZs) will be set up 4o meters from the high-water mark to the coastline. It is estimated that over 100,000 families will be dislocated as a result of the new policy.

The only exception to the rule would be high-rise hotels, condominiums and resorts.

Initially, the new policy was met with much anger by the typhoon victims who refused to leave the coastal areas which have been their home for many generations. But Aquino directed the Department of Environment and Natural Resources, Department of Tourism and the Malacañang Press Office to re-brand the new policy. That’s when they came up with ‘zombie zones’ to replace ‘no-build zones.’

The Aquino administration capitalized on the Filipinos’ fear of ghosts and propensity to believe in superstition to pacify the angry masses. Apparently, it worked.

The government is now looking for relocation areas for the dislocated families at least 15 miles away from the coastlines, where they would be off limits to zombies.

CNN CONFIRMS: GOD STOLE MISSING MALAYSIA AIRLINES PLANE

Students watch as artists finish a school-ground painting inspired by the missing Malaysia Airlines plane in the Philippine city of Makati.  (Photo: Romeo Ranoco/Reuters)
Students watch as artists finish a school-ground painting inspired by the missing Malaysia Airlines plane in the Philippine city of Makati.
(Photo: Romeo Ranoco/Reuters)

Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia – With reports that Malaysia Airlines Flight 370 with 239 people on board might have flown for six and a half hours after its transponder stopped sending signals on March 8, the search for the missing Boeing 777-200ER has expanded to a vast area stretching from the Indian Ocean to as far north as Kazakhstan.

Malaysian authorities have not ruled out any theories – from mechanical problems and pilot error to hijacking and pilot suicide.  But they seemed to have missed one possible cause of the plane’s disappearance. 

It took anchors and analysts from a respected U.S. news cable network to state the obvious: God may have stolen the plane.

The anchors and analysts bandied about the idea Sunday afternoon that something “beyond our understanding” happened to Malaysia Airlines flight MH 370, that “something” being perhaps supernatural maybe?

“Especially today, on a day when we deal with the supernatural,” the anchor said. “We go to church, the supernatural power of God…people are saying to me, why aren’t you talking about the possibility — and I’m just putting it out there — that something odd happened to this plane, something beyond our understanding?”

What is surprising to television viewers is that the cable news network was not Fox News. It was CNN. The Anchor? Don Lemon.