MANILA, Philippines (The Adobo Chronicles, Manila Bureau) – Yellow lanes. Coding. Provincial bus ban. Nothing seems to work to bring about a smooth flow of traffic along EDSA, Metro Manila’s busiest and longest thoroughfare.
Finally, the technocrats at the Metropolitan Manila Development Authority (MMDA) have come up with a new scheme which they are very confident will permanently solve EDSA’s traffic nightmare.
Patterned after the HOV (High Occupancy Vehicles) and carpool lane policies in place in the U.S. and other developed countries, the new MMDA scheme will throw out all traffic regulations in place and enforce a new, foolproof lane designation scheme from end to end on EDSA.
There will only be three designated lanes, one each for singles, those in a relationship, and those whose relationship status is complicated.
MMDA says the idea was inspired by Facebook.
MANILA, Philippines (The Adobo Chronicles, Manila Bureau) – It takes the likes of Isko Moreno to rid a city of illegal vendors, clean up the metropolis, and break down constructions that obstruct the flow of traffic. He could also make an entire city “green.”
Now, the Manila City Mayor has submitted his master plan to permanently solve the nightmarish traffic along EDSA.
In a memo sent to the Metropolitan Manila Development Authority (MMDA), Moreno proposed the following which he says is a “sure fire” to ease the never-ending traffic congestion along the busy thoroughfare which traverses several cities in Metro Manila:
- Arguing that mass transportation is the way to go, he proposes to permanently ban all private cars on EDSA. The “buses-only” proposal will, however, exempt police cars, ambulances and fire trucks. One lane will be for the exclusive use of provincial buses, another for Point-to-Point buses, while the rest of the lanes will be reserved for city buses.
- Urge the Department of Education to institutionalize and accredit “home schooling” similar to what is being done in the U.S. He says that “if we abolish elementary school, it will cut daily commute by half since kids won’t have to leave home to get an education. And neither do their parents or nannies.”
- Implement a 16-hour-a-day work shift for all government and private workers who could choose to work either on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays or Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays. Moreno says at any given day, the number of workers traveling on EDSA will be cut by half, and that morning and evening commutes will practically be eliminated.
- Every Sunday, EDSA will be closed to ALL vehicular traffic. The entire avenue will be transformed into a pedestrian’s paradise.
MMDA and the other Metro Manila Mayors have yet to comment on Moreno’s proposal, but already, technocrats who heard of the master plan are poised to fully endorse it.
As a public service, The Adobo Chronicles is issuing the following travel advisory to all Filipinos planning to travel to the United States:
We know you had to go through pins and needles to get your visitor’s visa to the United States, and you’re rarin’ to hop on that plane after your siblings and cousins chipped in so you could pay for your discounted ticket and provide you with some pocket money. After all, you’re visiting the most powerful country in the world, the No. 1 Economy, the Bastion of Democracy, Home of the Brave — not to mention Hollywood, Universal Studios, and Broadway.
But for heaven’s sake, think twice, thrice, a dozen times. You might end up coming back home to the Philippines in a body bag!
In just the last 24 hours, two mass shootings occurred in America — one in El Paso, Texas; and the other in Dayton, Ohio. What’s more, just in the month of July this year, over 50 mass shootings were recorded across America, not just a few of which were prompted by hatred for browned-skinned people like yourselves.
So we advice you to cancel your U.S. trip and stay in the Philippines. Your’re a thousand times safer here despite all the fake news about EJKs supposedly being perpetrated by the government. Buhay ka pa naman, di ba?
But if you absolutely have to travel to America, heed our advice:
- Don’t go to Churches or Mosques
- Don’t watch live concerts or ball games, or watch Hollywood films in cinemas
- Don’t bring your apos or pamangkins to their schools
- Don’t go shopping at the malls, even when there is a huge sale
- Stay away from Central Park, Golden Gate Park or Parking garages
- Avoid the freeways, highways, or the Crookedest Street in San Francisco
- Don’t go on a Cruise
- Avoid all subways
- Don’t go gambling in Las Vegas or Atlantic City
- Don’t watch any parades
- When in public, speak softly to hide your accent
- Just stay home with your U.S. citizen relatives and friends. We’re sure they have Netflix