ST. PETER, Minnesota (The Adobo Chronicles, San Francisco Bureau) – State health officials today confirmed earlier reports that former Minnesota Representative Michele Bachmann has escaped from the maximum security mental hospital in St. Peter.
The former Republican presidential candidate and founder of the House Tea Party Caucus voluntarily checked in at the facility immediately after her congressional term expired in 2015 and hasn’t been heard of from ever since.
Just hours after her escape, she wrote a column for the right-wing site of crazy, World Net Daily, titled, “Obama Enjoys Cuba While Civilization Burns,” where she claimed the president humiliated America by meeting with Castro.
“This week, a United States president was humiliated on the world’s stage by an aging, insulting Communist dictator. Our feckless U.S. president appeared unfazed by the message he portrayed of American incompetence and historic irrelevance. In fact, the president appeared pleased with himself and seemed to revel in his infallible cleverness,” she wrote.
She went on to say that ISIS attacks may just be the work of God:
“OR MAYBE OUR PRESIDENT’S HUMILIATION COMES IN A MANNER SO DEVASTATING IT MAKES ONE WONDER WHETHER THE CREATOR OF HUMANKIND ISN’T REMINDING THIS WORLD OF THE INFERIORITY OF FOOLISHNESS IN THE FACE OF WISDOM.”
A massive womanhunt has been launched to locate Bachmann to prevent the further spread of her contagious mental condition which authorities fear could infect the already crazy (and now sex scandal-tainted) Republican contest for the presidential nomation.
Sightings of Bachmann may be reported by calling a toll-free number, 1-800-GET-CRZY.
MIAMI, Florida (The Adobo Chronicles, Washington Bureau) – Marco Rubio said Thursday that he plans to leave the government after the end of his Senate term, and that he’s not interested in being anyone’s Vice President.
“I’m not going to be Vice President,” the Florida Senator told reporters Thursday. “I’m not running for governor of Florida, I’m going to finish out my term in the Senate over the next 10 months… and then I’ll be a private citizen.
By “private citizen,” Rubio means a citizen of Cuba.
“I’m done with the American Dream,” he said, “if American voters, especially the Republicans, don’t want me, then I’m going back to my land of heritage.
The senator, in a very unusual gesture, thanked President Barack Obama for re-opening diplomatic relations with Cuba. “He knows exactly what he’s doing. This will make my transition from American senator to private Cuban citizen much eaiser,” he said.
PANAMA CITY, Panama (The Adobo Chronicles) – As President Barack Obama geared up for a historic meeting with Cuba’s Raul Castro at the Summit of the Americas, MSNBC’s Andrea Mitchell broadcast her show live from Panama City. But things quickly became awkward when she asked her guest, Rep. Joaquín Castro (D-TX) about his “Cuban-American background.”
“Well, I’m Mexican-American,” Castro quickly corrected her, acknowledging that he does have the “same last name” as the leader of Cuba.
But MSNBC stood by its news anchor and defended its credibility, demanding that Castro (the Mexican-American) release his birth certificate to clear the air once and for all.
Asked by The Adobo Chronicles about the embarrasing MSNBC interview, Castro reiterated: “Soy Mexicano. No soy Cubano.”