The Vatican, Italy – The Roman Catholic Church in Rome is experiencing an unprecedented surge in Catholics going to confession that it had to pull out some of the antique confessional boxes it had previously donated to museums throughout Italy and elsewhere in Europe. The surge consists mostly of women and gay Catholics.
The Roman Curia, considered the council of elders of The Vatican, said that in the last week alone, an estmated 300,000 faithful flocked to confessionals in various churches in Rome. It attributed the uptick to the recently-released Vatican 2014 calendar which features some of the best-looking priests in The Vatican.
The Curia refused to confirm whether the upsurge was an unintended consequence of the calendar or whether the calendar was part of The Vatican’s marketing ploy to attract more Catholics to the confessional boxes. “Either way, it is a win-win situation for the Vatican,” said one recovering Catholic gay man as he left the confessional box to do his penance of three “Hail Mary’s.”
The Roman Priests calendars are being sold in Vatican streets for 10 Euros each.
Topeca, Kansas – The Westboro Baptist Church (WBC) announced today that their leader, Fred Phelps, has been diagnosed with incurable depression and Acute Attention Deficit Disorder. The announcement came soon after WBC said they were planning on picketing the funeral of ‘Fast and Furious’ star Paul Walker who died in a car crash last weekend. In a tweet, the WBC said, “Paul Walker taught a nation to be fast and furious. He died that same way.”
Church members, 100% of whom are family members of Phelps, said that their leader has become so depressed because he was not getting the right amount of attention he wanted from the group’s public pickets.
The WBC is an American unaffiliated Baptist church known for its extreme ideologies and has been involved in actions against gay people since at least 1991, when it sought a crackdown on homosexual activity at Gage Park, six blocks northwest of the church. In addition to conducting anti-gay protests at military funerals, the organization pickets other celebrity funerals and public events that are likely to get media attention. Protests have also been held against Jews and some protests have included WBC members stomping on the American flag.
It is not known whether Phelps will continue in his position as head of the WBC. In the last week, he has reportedly locked himself in his bedroom, watching a video of the 1950 film, Sunset Boulevard, over and over. Family members have heard him constantly uttering the line from the film: “Alright Mr. DeMille, I am ready for my close-up.” It is a famous line by the film’s crazed attention-driven actress character Norma Desmond (played by Gloria Swanson).
Vatican City, Rome – For his simplicity and humility, for his compassion for the sick and the handicapped, for reaching out to atheists and to gay men and women, Pope Francis continues to amaze Catholics and non-Catholics alike. Never has the Vatican seen such a radical departure from the centuries-old precepts of the Roman Curia.
In an exclusive audience with The Adobo Chronicles, the spiritual leader of the Roman Catholic Church revealed that since his election to the papacy, he has been reading one version of the New Testament, and one version only: Da Jesus Book.
Da Jesus Book is a Hawaiian version of the New Testament and is written in Hawaiian Pidgin. While many versions of the New Testament exist – the most popular version of which is the King James version – not all come with the Vatican’s imprimatur. Neither does Da Jesus Book version. But the fact that it is the version that’s on the night stand in Pope Francis’ bedroom at his apartment shows the Pontiff’s liking for the book. The Pope is known for his passion for languages and Da Jesus Book might be his way of mastering Hawaiian pidgin.
Asked what his favorite New Testament quote is, Pope Francis said: “Mark :3, 1-6.” It is the story of Jesus entering the synagogue on Sabbath Day and healing a man with a withered hand.
Here are the Hawaiian pidgin and standard English versions: