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PRESIDENT AQUINO DECLARES ZOMBIE ZONES IN TYPHOON-RAVAGED PHILIPPINE COASTAL AREAS

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Photo credit: AFP
Photo credit: AFP

Manila, Philippines – Amid protests from local officials and sharp criticism from international humanitarian agencies, Philippine President NoyNoy Aquino declared coastal areas in Haiyan (Yolanda) typhoon-ravaged towns and cities as ‘zombie zones.’

The presidential directive prohibits construction or reconstruction of houses along the coastlines of Leyte, Samar, Aklan, Cebu, Iloilo, Capiz and other areas affected by the most powerful typhoon ever to hit landfall. Under this new policy, no-build zones (NBZs) will be set up 4o meters from the high-water mark to the coastline. It is estimated that over 100,000 families will be dislocated as a result of the new policy.

The only exception to the rule would be high-rise hotels, condominiums and resorts.

Initially, the new policy was met with much anger by the typhoon victims who refused to leave the coastal areas which have been their home for many generations. But Aquino directed the Department of Environment and Natural Resources, Department of Tourism and the Malacañang Press Office to re-brand the new policy. That’s when they came up with ‘zombie zones’ to replace ‘no-build zones.’

The Aquino administration capitalized on the Filipinos’ fear of ghosts and propensity to believe in superstition to pacify the angry masses. Apparently, it worked.

The government is now looking for relocation areas for the dislocated families at least 15 miles away from the coastlines, where they would be off limits to zombies.

International, Politics, Travel

PHILIPPINES LAYS CLAIM TO POLYNESIA

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Micronesian_Cultural_AreaThe Hague, Netherlands – The Philippine government has filed a formal petition with the United Nations, laying territorial claim to the countries in Polynesia.  The petition was submitted by the Philippines’ permanent representative to the U.N. Libran Cabactulan to the International Court of Justice located at The Hague in the Netherlands.

The petition came after the National Geographic published the results of a new research study on ancient chicken DNA which led to the conclusion that the Philippines could actually be the ancestral home of the Polynesians.

The researchers found that Polynesian chickens had their roots in the Philippines, making that region a candidate for the homeland of the mysterious Lapita people thought to be ancestral to Polynesians who transported the domesticated birds to the Pacific islands.

Ancient chicken DNA confirms Filipinos were the ancestors of Polynesians
Ancient chicken DNA confirms Filipinos were the ancestors of Polynesians

“We have identified genetic signatures of the original Polynesian chickens, and used these to track early movements and trading patterns across the Pacific,” said lead author Dr. Vicki Thomson of the Australian Center for Ancient DNA (ACAD). “We were also able to trace the origins of these lineages back into the Philippines, providing clues about the source of the original Polynesian chicken populations.”

Philippine President NoyNoy Aquino ecstatically briefed reporters about the petition, saying that the territorial claim could be the highlight of his presidency. He added that the Philippines will abandon its claim to the disputed Spratly Islands in the West Philippine Sea, which are also being claimed by China.

Aquino said he would rather pursue the claim to Polynesia because it would mean the Philippines’ expansion to larger territories like Hawaii, Samoa, Tonga, Cook Islands, Fiji, New Zealand , and several other islands in the Pacific. “This would make the Philippines truly a world power,” Aquino said.

International, Law Enforcement, Politics

RUSSIA’S NEXT TARGET: ALASKA

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Putin and Palin (file photo)
Putin and Palin (file photo)

Moscow, Russia – Remember Sarah Palin’s famous words, “I can see Russia from my house?”  Well, those words have now come to haunt her native Alaska.

Moments after President Vladimir Putin officially declared that Crimea in Ukraine is now officially part of Russia, he announced before the Russian Parliament that Alaska is next in the country’s ongoing territorial expansion.

A signing ceremony Tuesday between Russian President Vladimir Putin, the Prime Minister of Crimea and the mayor of the city of Sevastopol made Crimea’s annexation official, the Kremlin said in a statement.

Putin has sent Palin an invitation to Moscow to discuss the next steps in officially making Alaska a part of Russia. “Russia and Alaska have many things in common, Putin said, “including cold winters, cold people, clueless politicians, Christianity,  even history.”

Palin in her backyard. Russia is seen in the background
Palin in her Alaska home. Russia is seen in the background

The earliest written accounts indicate that the first Europeans to reach Alaska came from Russia. In 1648 Semyon Dezhnev  sailed from the mouth of the Kolyma River through the Arctic Ocean and around the eastern tip of Asia to the Anadyr River. One legend holds that some of his boats were carried off course and reached Alaska. “Russia discovered Alaska,” Putin said.

Unconfirmed reports say that Putin offered Palin the vice presidency of Russia should Alaska agree to the annexation.

The White House has declined to comment on Putin’s announcement, saying “we don’t comment on pending matters.”