Moscow, Russia – Remember Sarah Palin’s famous words, “I can see Russia from my house?” Well, those words have now come to haunt her native Alaska.
Moments after President Vladimir Putin officially declared that Crimea in Ukraine is now officially part of Russia, he announced before the Russian Parliament that Alaska is next in the country’s ongoing territorial expansion.
A signing ceremony Tuesday between Russian President Vladimir Putin, the Prime Minister of Crimea and the mayor of the city of Sevastopol made Crimea’s annexation official, the Kremlin said in a statement.
Putin has sent Palin an invitation to Moscow to discuss the next steps in officially making Alaska a part of Russia. “Russia and Alaska have many things in common, Putin said, “including cold winters, cold people, clueless politicians, Christianity, even history.”
The earliest written accounts indicate that the first Europeans to reach Alaska came from Russia. In 1648 Semyon Dezhnev sailed from the mouth of the Kolyma River through the Arctic Ocean and around the eastern tip of Asia to the Anadyr River. One legend holds that some of his boats were carried off course and reached Alaska. “Russia discovered Alaska,” Putin said.
Unconfirmed reports say that Putin offered Palin the vice presidency of Russia should Alaska agree to the annexation.
The White House has declined to comment on Putin’s announcement, saying “we don’t comment on pending matters.”
Sochi, Russia – Russian President Vladimir Putin was arrested Sunday night for violating his own government’s laws prohibiting the public display of homosexuality.
The arrest came shortly after the Russians won the gold medal in the team skating competition, beating out Canada and the United States. Putin, who was in the audience all evening, rushed to the athletes’ stand and embraced the handsome Evgeni Plushenko.
Putin was booked but later released after making a public apology. “I just could not contain myself, ” he said, “and I am really sorry for bringing embarassment to Russia.”
Moscow, Russia – Russian president Vladimir Putin abruptly cancelled Edward Snowden’s visa, less than 48 hours after the suspected American spy was granted a one-year asylum in Russia.
A spokesperson for the Russian government told reporters that the asylum cancellation came after Putin learned that Snowden is gay and that previous revelations about his dancer-girlfriend Lindsay Mills were a mere cover-up for his homosexuality. Russia recently issued draconian laws to criminalize homosexuality and has stepped up a state-sanctioned campaign to persecute lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender citizens and visitors.
Ironically, the discovery about Snowden’s sexual orientation came about after the U.S. National Security Agency leaked 5 years worth of email exchanges between Snowden and his long-time boyfriend. The documents, obtained by the Russian government this week, showed that Mills is actually a lesbian cousin of Snowden. The NSA leaked documents did not identify Snowden’s boyfriend by name.
It was not clear whether Snowden is in custody or is back at the Moscow airport lounge which was the fugitive’s living quarters for many weeks prior to the asylum order.