Category Archives: Business

PRESIDENT AQUINO DECLARES ZOMBIE ZONES IN TYPHOON-RAVAGED PHILIPPINE COASTAL AREAS

Photo credit: AFP
Photo credit: AFP

Manila, Philippines – Amid protests from local officials and sharp criticism from international humanitarian agencies, Philippine President NoyNoy Aquino declared coastal areas in Haiyan (Yolanda) typhoon-ravaged towns and cities as ‘zombie zones.’

The presidential directive prohibits construction or reconstruction of houses along the coastlines of Leyte, Samar, Aklan, Cebu, Iloilo, Capiz and other areas affected by the most powerful typhoon ever to hit landfall. Under this new policy, no-build zones (NBZs) will be set up 4o meters from the high-water mark to the coastline. It is estimated that over 100,000 families will be dislocated as a result of the new policy.

The only exception to the rule would be high-rise hotels, condominiums and resorts.

Initially, the new policy was met with much anger by the typhoon victims who refused to leave the coastal areas which have been their home for many generations. But Aquino directed the Department of Environment and Natural Resources, Department of Tourism and the Malacañang Press Office to re-brand the new policy. That’s when they came up with ‘zombie zones’ to replace ‘no-build zones.’

The Aquino administration capitalized on the Filipinos’ fear of ghosts and propensity to believe in superstition to pacify the angry masses. Apparently, it worked.

The government is now looking for relocation areas for the dislocated families at least 15 miles away from the coastlines, where they would be off limits to zombies.

BATTLE OF THE CROSSWALKS IN SAN FRANCISCO’S GAY CASTRO DISTRICT

The winning crosswalk design for 18th and Castro streets
The winning crosswalk design for 18th and Castro streets

San Francisco, California – There will be plenty of rainbows at the intersection of 18th and Castro streets in the heart of San Francisco’s gay neighborhood, reports the Bay Area Reporter.

On Thursday, March 13, District 8 Supervisor Scott Wiener announced the winning design and location for rainbow crosswalks that will be paid for by the Castro Upper Market Community Benefit District. The crosswalks are being incorporated with a sidewalk widening project that will begin construction this month.

Upon hearing of the news, the Westboro Baptist Church sent a proposal to the San Francisco Board of Supervisors to repaint the crosswalk at the intersection of Market and Castro Streets. The Topeka, Kansas-based church headed by Fred Phelps offered to fully fund the crosswalk makeover “in the spirit of equality.”  “If the City of San Francisco allowed the re-painting of the crosswalk at 18th and Castro streets, then there is no compelling reason for it to deny our offer, especially because we are paying for it,” Phelps said.

The Westboro Baptist Church is known for its anti-gay agenda, traveling the country to picket parades, festivals and even funerals with signs like “God Hates Fags” and “Thank God for Dead Soldiers.”

Crosswalk design proposed by Westboro Baptist Church
Crosswalk design proposed by Westboro Baptist Church

The Board of Supes has not yet met to consider the church’s offer, but circulated the proposed crosswalk design to its members and the media.  The design is in stark contrast to the rainbow design, featuring black and white crosses painted next to each other.

SHORTAGE OF IRISH BEER IN THE U.S. REPORTED

imageBoston, Massachusetts – From Boston to New York, from San Francisco to Indianapolis, Irish pubs are reporting a mysterious disappearance of popular brands of Irish beer. It doesn’t bode well for the country’s Irish American population, especially with the upcoming St. Patrick’s day observance on Monday, March 17. What would St. Pat’s day be without Irish beer?

Suppliers have said that their inventory of  Irish beer has never reached such a low level, saying their orders from manufacturers have been backlogged for several weeks now.

An investigation by reporters of The Adobo Chronicles has uncovered an unusually huge purchase of Irish beer brands by a famed company in St. Louis, Missouri – Budweiser. Our reporters obtained a confidential memo from Budweiser high officials directing their purchasing department to buy and hoard as much Irish beer as possible. The memo said: “Our marketing goal this coming St. Patrick’s Day is to create an artificial shortage of Irish beer so that beer drinkers will have no choice but to consume Budweiser beer.”

St. Patrick’s Day in the U.S. is credited with the highest beer consumption at any time in any given year.

It is estimated that almost 12% of the U.S. population is of Irish or part Irish heritage which makes the Irish American population greater than the actual Irish population in Ireland.

So on Monday, be prepared to be pinched by old ladies for not wearing something green, and to drink Budweiser in place of Guinness or other Irish beer brands.