CONGRESS MULLS THREE-PARTY SYSTEM

March 24, 2014 Pol Pinoy Leave a comment

Washington, D.C. – Voters in the U.S. may have more choices of candidates come 2016 if Congress approves an amendment to the Constitution introduced this week. There could potentially be four candidates for president and other elective offices.

It will no longer be just a choice of liberal (Democratic) or conservative (Republican), but also left-wing conservative (Tea Party) , not to mention the free-for-all independent (decline to state).

In recent years, the unofficial Tea Party has gained more supporters especially among those who thought that the current Republican Party is not conservative enough. Tea Party-backed candidates have threatened, if not totally ruined the political careers of many long-time Republicans.

Proposed Republic of Tea logo

Informed sources who spoke to The Adobo Chronicles on condition of anonymity said that the new third party will be called The Republic of Tea, indicating an ideology that’s a cross between the Republican and Tea Party groups.

Questioned about the new third party platform, the sources said that it will be based on heightened capitalism; state-sanctioned religion; and a ban on divorce, sex reassignment surgery, labor unions and private educational instututions. K-12 will be totally abolished in favor of home schooling. The party will not have a foreign policy and will focus soley on domestic issues. The U.S. military will be privatized and run by thr National Rifle Association (NRA).

The sources refused to speculate on who will lead the new party.

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REPUBLICANS FINALLY AGREE TO COMPREHENSIVE IMMIGRATION REFORM

March 23, 2014 Pol Pinoy Leave a comment

Washington, D.C. ( EXCLUSIVE to The Adobo Chronicles) – Just when immigration advocates, Democrats and even President Barack Obama have all but given up hope for congress to pass a comprehensive immigration reform this year, Senate and House Republicans have put forward their most favorable proposal yet. It consists of total amnesty for the estimated 11 Million undocumented immigrants living in the U.S. — on one condition.

In an exclusive interview with The Adobo Chronicles, House Speaker John Boehner announced that a draft bill which has the blessing of both Republican senators and representatives, will be introduced in Congress early this week.

Boehner said that the Republicans have finally come to the conclusion that amnesty is the only way to fix the broken immigration system. He said, however, that in order to make the reform truly comprehensive, it must not only address border security going forward but insure that the law applies to all creatures entering the United States. “This would include killer whales, elephants, lions, tigers and all animal species brought to this country by zoos, theme parks and circuses,” Boehner said.

The Adobo Chronicles obtained a copy of the draft bill which mandates that all these creatures must obtain a work visa if employed for entertainment purposes. They will also be required to obtain health insurance under Obamacare. After 5 years in the U.S., the creatures will be eligible for permanent residency, and susequently, citizenship, after another 5 years.

The White House has declined comment saying that President Obama has yet to see a copy of the draft bill.

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PRESIDENT AQUINO DECLARES ZOMBIE ZONES IN TYPHOON-RAVAGED PHILIPPINE COASTAL AREAS

March 22, 2014 Pol Pinoy Leave a comment

Manila, Philippines – Amid protests from local officials and sharp criticism from international humanitarian agencies, Philippine President NoyNoy Aquino declared coastal areas in Haiyan (Yolanda) typhoon-ravaged towns and cities as ‘zombie zones.’

The presidential directive prohibits construction or reconstruction of houses along the coastlines of Leyte, Samar, Aklan, Cebu, Iloilo, Capiz and other areas affected by the most powerful typhoon ever to hit landfall. Under this new policy, no-build zones (NBZs) will be set up 4o meters from the high-water mark to the coastline. It is estimated that over 100,000 families will be dislocated as a result of the new policy.

The only exception to the rule would be high-rise hotels, condominiums and resorts.

Initially, the new policy was met with much anger by the typhoon victims who refused to leave the coastal areas which have been their home for many generations. But Aquino directed the Department of Environment and Natural Resources, Department of Tourism and the Malacañang Press Office to re-brand the new policy. That’s when they came up with ‘zombie zones’ to replace ‘no-build zones.’

The Aquino administration capitalized on the Filipinos’ fear of ghosts and propensity to believe in superstition to pacify the angry masses. Apparently, it worked.

The government is now looking for relocation areas for the dislocated families at least 15 miles away from the coastlines, where they would be off limits to zombies.