CNN THROWS IN THE TOWEL, CONVERTS TO A PARODY NEWS NETWORK

imageAtlanta, Georgia (The Adobo Chronicles) – If you were to believe CNN – and who wouldn’t — the public appearances and TV images you’ve been seeing of President Barack Obama are a “double.”

But don’t panic. CNN’s headline about the Navy SEAL who killed Obama is faux news.  We all know that Robert O’Neill who claimed this week that he had been the one who shot and killed the 9/11 mastermind, killed Osama, not Obama, in Pakistan in 2011.

CNN Workdwide CEO Jeff Zucker was unapologetic. “It was not an error in accuracy,” he said, adding that “it was part of our initial broadcast as the new cable parody news network.”

In the last several years, the pioneer in 24-hour cable news has  been experiencing a sharp decline in ratings and has been unable to fight off the competition from other cable networks like Fox, MSNBC and Al Jazeera.

“We are proud of our record as a trendsetter and pioneer, and we are very excited to have been the first to establish a 24-hour parody news network,” Zucker said.

CNN is preparing to launch its new logo next week which will read “PNN,” or Parody News Network.

PHILIPPINES’ UNHOLY ALLIANCE: AQUINO AND MARCOS

Imelda Marcos and NoyNoy Aquino
Imelda Marcos and NoyNoy Aquino

Manila, Philippines (The Adobo Chronicles) – It is now an open book. The feuding Marcos and Aquino families have kissed and made up, and they have a secret plan to maintain their respective political dynasties in the Philippines.

Imelda Marcos’ late husband President Ferdinand E. Marcos is believed to be responsible for the assassination of President NoyNoy Aquino’s father, Ninoy. NoyNoy’s mother, President Cory Aquino was largely responsible for the ouster and exile of the Marcoses in the late 1980’s.  Imelda’s son, Bongbong is now a senator while daughter Imee is now a governor (Imelda herself is a member of the House of Representatives).  NoyNoy’s sister, TV host and actress Kris Aquino is … well, we digress.

Imelda and NoyNoy could no longer hide their unholy alliance and were seen for the first time in public being intimate at the wake of Elaine Cuneta, mother of singer-actress Sharon Cuneta. Sharon’s father, the late Pablo Cuneta, was a mayor of Pasay City in Metropolitan Manila  and served in elective office for a record 50 years.

Informed sources told The Adobo Chronicles that Imelda and Noynoy have been meeting secretly over the last two years. Aquino has been seeking the wise counsel of Imelda who is credited to be the driving force and inspiration behind Ferdinand E. Marcos’ 21-year rule as Philippine President.

NoyNoy’s 6-year term as president ends in 2016 and many suspect that he wants to continue being president beyond 2016, which the Philippine Constitution does not allow.  So he is exploring alternative ways to accomplish his goal – either through a constitutional amendment or through the unspoken words, “Martial Law.”

And who else other than Imelda can be a better adviser to Noynoy on either alternative? Experience is key.

And so, the political dynasties live on …

PHILIPPINE SENATOR TAKES CUE FROM MILEY CYRUS: PEDICURES FOR PORK BARREL SCAMMERS

Santiago, left, and Cyrus with Bubba Sue
Santiago, left, and Cyrus with Bubba Sue

Manila, Philippines (The Adobo Chronicles) – Feisty Philippine Senator Miriam Santiago is proposing an additional penalty for politicians found guilty in the pork barrel scam that has cost the country some Ten Billion Pesos in taxpayer money, and she is taking a cue from American singer Miley Cyrus.

Cyrus recently enraged netizens after she posted Instagram photos of her pet pig Bubba Sue getting a royal treatment — a pedicure.  The photos showed Cyrus holding Bubba Sue while another person was painting the pig’s hooves with engine-red nail polish. Many commented that this constituted animal abuse.image

Today, Senator Santiago proposed that every male politician convicted in the pork barrel scam be given not just a pedicure but also a manicure in pig pink nail polish — and not just ordinary nail polish, but permanent, indelible paint.

Santiago said this penalty will be a life-time reminder for the  pork barrel scammers of their horrible crime, while giving the scammed taxpayers a way to easily identify those who pocketed their money.

“These politicians are pigs,” Santiago told reporters, “and they should be treated as such.”

The senator however emphasized that her proposal is in no way an endorsement of what Cyrus did to poor Bubba Sue.