Category Archives: Law Enforcement

REPUBLICANS FINALLY AGREE TO COMPREHENSIVE IMMIGRATION REFORM

imageWashington, D.C.  ( EXCLUSIVE to The Adobo Chronicles) – Just when immigration advocates, Democrats and even President Barack Obama have all but given up hope for congress to pass a comprehensive immigration reform this year,  Senate and House Republicans have put forward their most favorable proposal yet. It consists of total amnesty for the estimated 11 Million undocumented immigrants living in the U.S. — on one condition.

In an exclusive interview with The Adobo Chronicles, House Speaker John Boehner announced that a draft bill which has the blessing of both Republican senators and representatives, will be introduced in Congress early this week.

Boehner said that the Republicans have finally come to the conclusion that amnesty is the only way to fix the broken immigration system.  He said, however, that in order to make the reform truly comprehensive, it must not only address border security going forward but insure that the law applies to all creatures entering the United States. “This would include killer whales, elephants, lions, tigers and all animal species brought to this country by zoos, theme parks and circuses,” Boehner said.

The Adobo Chronicles obtained a copy of the draft bill which mandates that all these creatures must obtain a work visa if employed for entertainment purposes. They will also be required to obtain health insurance under Obamacare. After 5 years in the U.S., the creatures will be eligible for permanent residency, and susequently, citizenship, after another 5 years.

The White House has declined comment saying that President Obama has yet to see a copy of the draft bill.

See related article: “Undocumented Immigrants With Common American Surnames Will be Given Priority for Legalization.”

PRESIDENT AQUINO DECLARES ZOMBIE ZONES IN TYPHOON-RAVAGED PHILIPPINE COASTAL AREAS

Photo credit: AFP
Photo credit: AFP

Manila, Philippines – Amid protests from local officials and sharp criticism from international humanitarian agencies, Philippine President NoyNoy Aquino declared coastal areas in Haiyan (Yolanda) typhoon-ravaged towns and cities as ‘zombie zones.’

The presidential directive prohibits construction or reconstruction of houses along the coastlines of Leyte, Samar, Aklan, Cebu, Iloilo, Capiz and other areas affected by the most powerful typhoon ever to hit landfall. Under this new policy, no-build zones (NBZs) will be set up 4o meters from the high-water mark to the coastline. It is estimated that over 100,000 families will be dislocated as a result of the new policy.

The only exception to the rule would be high-rise hotels, condominiums and resorts.

Initially, the new policy was met with much anger by the typhoon victims who refused to leave the coastal areas which have been their home for many generations. But Aquino directed the Department of Environment and Natural Resources, Department of Tourism and the Malacañang Press Office to re-brand the new policy. That’s when they came up with ‘zombie zones’ to replace ‘no-build zones.’

The Aquino administration capitalized on the Filipinos’ fear of ghosts and propensity to believe in superstition to pacify the angry masses. Apparently, it worked.

The government is now looking for relocation areas for the dislocated families at least 15 miles away from the coastlines, where they would be off limits to zombies.

RUSSIA’S NEXT TARGET: ALASKA

Putin and Palin (file photo)
Putin and Palin (file photo)

Moscow, Russia – Remember Sarah Palin’s famous words, “I can see Russia from my house?”  Well, those words have now come to haunt her native Alaska.

Moments after President Vladimir Putin officially declared that Crimea in Ukraine is now officially part of Russia, he announced before the Russian Parliament that Alaska is next in the country’s ongoing territorial expansion.

A signing ceremony Tuesday between Russian President Vladimir Putin, the Prime Minister of Crimea and the mayor of the city of Sevastopol made Crimea’s annexation official, the Kremlin said in a statement.

Putin has sent Palin an invitation to Moscow to discuss the next steps in officially making Alaska a part of Russia. “Russia and Alaska have many things in common, Putin said, “including cold winters, cold people, clueless politicians, Christianity,  even history.”

Palin in her backyard.  Russia is seen in the background
Palin in her Alaska home. Russia is seen in the background

The earliest written accounts indicate that the first Europeans to reach Alaska came from Russia. In 1648 Semyon Dezhnev  sailed from the mouth of the Kolyma River through the Arctic Ocean and around the eastern tip of Asia to the Anadyr River. One legend holds that some of his boats were carried off course and reached Alaska. “Russia discovered Alaska,” Putin said.

Unconfirmed reports say that Putin offered Palin the vice presidency of Russia should Alaska agree to the annexation.

The White House has declined to comment on Putin’s announcement, saying “we don’t comment on pending matters.”