Rodrigo Duterte, the man who once claimed he couldn’t afford a plane ticket from Davao to Manila, has miraculously found himself in Hong Kong. Maybe Cebu Pacific had a piso fare? Or perhaps he hitched a ride on Quiboloy’s private jet, the one presumably fueled by divine intervention and love offerings.
Of course, Duterte insists this is just a harmless campaign visit, not an attempt to dodge an ICC warrant. Because, obviously, if you were avoiding arrest, you’d go to a place where international law actually works, right? Genius.
But let’s not overthink his sudden financial recovery. After all, isn’t he the administrator of Quiboloy’s celestial ATM? It seems the heavens have opened their vaults—hallelujah! Meanwhile, back in the Philippines, regular folks are stuck choosing between buying rice or paying for a jeepney ride. If only they, too, had access to divine frequent flyer miles!
WASHINGTON, D.C. — In what experts are calling the most ambitious friendly fire incident since someone forgot to turn the safety on at a live-fire exercise, the Pentagon’s latest crackdown on Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion (DEI) content has claimed a number of unexpected casualties—including the Enola Gay, Army officers named “Gay,” and even some unsuspecting fish.
The Department of Defense’s (DoD) new “digital content refresh” directive, aimed at erasing all traces of DEI, critical race theory, gender ideology, and identity politics from its archives, has reportedly flagged thousands of images and documents for deletion. However, due to what officials are calling “an algorithmic overcorrection”, the purge has swept up far more than just progressive talking points.
Among the victims of this unintended ideological airstrike:
• The Enola Gay, the historic B-29 bomber that dropped the atomic bomb on Hiroshima, was flagged for deletion due to its unfortunate inclusion of the word “gay.” “We thought we were removing woke content,” said one Pentagon IT specialist, “but instead we almost erased a major piece of World War II history. Oops.”
• Every Army officer whose last name is “Gay.” Sources say that several highly decorated service members were mistakenly flagged for removal, leading to a brief period where it appeared that they had been digitally dishonorably discharged.
• A group of Army Corps biologists, whose work was targeted simply because a description mentioned the “gender” of fish. “I never thought I’d be canceled for studying trout,” said one researcher. “But here we are.”
A total of 26,000 images have reportedly been marked for deletion, though some insiders estimate the final number could reach 100,000. Officials insist this is a small price to pay for ensuring the military remains ideologically neutral—although some historians are growing concerned that, at this rate, entire wars may be erased from the archives if their titles contain any suspicious keywords.
The Pentagon has assured the public that “adjustments are being made” to the purge process. However, rumors persist that the algorithm is already eyeing General Dwight D. Eisenhower’s D-Day speech, just in case “diversity” is hiding in there somewhere.
“We don’t want to take any chances,” said one anonymous official. “If we have to remove half of military history to root out DEI, so be it.”
The Adobo Chronicles 
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