Sochi, Russia – Dozens of athletes, mostly from the United States and Canada, were sickened just minutes after checking in at their designated quarters at the Sochi Olympic Village. Eyewitness reports indicate that the Olympians were being transported by ambulances to the nearest hospitals in the area. Many were suffering from nausea, vomiting and stomach flu.
Agents from Russia’s Ministry of Health immediately rushed to the scene to investigate the incident in the hopes of containing what was initially thought of as an epidemic.
It turned out that most of hospitalized athletes drank bottles of mouthwash provided in each of their living quarters. The labels on the bottles were written in Russian, and the athletes thought they were bottles of complimentary vodka.
As of press time, most were released from the hospitals and are expected to make it okay in time for Friday’s opening ceremony.
Sochi, Russia – The United States is sending its largest-ever contigent to a winter Olympics, with 230 athletes competing in Sochi. But there is a bigger story.
When the American Olympians enter the stadium at Friday’s opening ceremony, each will carry an open bottle of Russian vodka. As soon as they reach the front of the VIP stand, they will pour the vodka into the parade grounds.
The reason? It is to protest the embargo by the Russian government of a shipment of Chobani Greek yogurt which was supposed to be fed to the U.S. athletes while in Sochi. The yogurt shipment is in limbo at a New Jersey airport. The U.S. government has accused the Russians of using this nutritious food as a vehicle to show who’s in charge.
To counter the U.S. public protest, Russian officials have mandated that all American athletes undergo a blood test two hours before their respective scheduled competitions to detect even the slightest trace of vodka in their system. “Intimidation tactics,” one U.S. Olympic official said.
Moscow, Russia – Vodka is to Russia while apple pie is as American as it can get. In recent weeks, many U.S. gay bars have boycotted vodka in protest of the Russian government’s increasing crackdown on homosexuality. This, despite the fact that vodka companies in the U.S. have been supportive of many U.S. gay events , including Pride festivities across the country.
In retaliation, restaurants and bakeries throughout Russia have agreed to ban all sales of apple pie in the country. The news was upsetting to the states of Washington, California, Michigan, Pennsylvania, New York and Virginia, the top six apple producers in the U.S.
The Ohio-based General Mills, makers of the popular baking and pie product line Pillsbury, has not returned calls from The Adobo Chronicles for comment but is reportedlly preparing a media statement to be officially released tomorrow. General Mills is expected to address the issue on whether the Russian boycott of apple pie will affect its business.
Meanwhile, nationwide sales of Coors beer, once the target of a gay boycott, have registered a 150% increase since the vodka boycott was announced.