Washington, D.C. – The U.S. government shutdown has ended, but the damage to the economy has been done.
The ratings agency S&P has cut the annualized U.S. growth rate closer to 2% from 3%, saying that the shutdown has taken $24 billion out of the U.S. economy. The agency also cut 0.6% off of the yearly fourth quarter GDP growth.
Upon the recommendation of his top financial advisers, President Barack Obama issued an Executive Order that would restitute what has been lost in the economy because of this nonsensical shutdown strategy orchestrated by the Republican and Tea Party leaders.
The EO mandates that the Republican legislators pay back the $24 billion lost because of the two-week shutdown. Each of the 46 Republicans in the Senate and the 232 Republicans in the House of Representatives has been asked to pay the U.S. government $73 million. The deadline for the restitution is November 1, 2013. The Obama administration has denied requests from the Republican legislators for an installment plan.
The Adobo Chronicles has learned that the country’s largest banks have offered the legislators unsecured personal loans to enable them to meet their obligations under the EO. The banks, however, are charging the legislators enormous interest rates ranging from 24.9% to 36.8 %.
Washington, D.C. – Politicians have tried it all — including “beer diplomacy” — to settle their differences, especially those that are entrenched along party lines. This time, Republicans and Democrats are trying something different, weeks after negotiations continue to fail over ending the government shutdown. They are using music!
At its caucus meeting this morning, the Republican Party invited Grammy Award-winner Carrie Underwood, a registered Republican, to open their session with the song “Amazing Grace.” The Republicans skipped the usual prayer invocation. A source who was present at the closed-door meeting told The Adobo Chronicles that Carrie’s rendition of this religious classic seemed to have greatly inspired the caucus members to keep on fighting to advance their anti-Obamacare agenda as the primary negotiating point in the budget battle.
On the other side of the aisle, the Democrats, meeting at the Rose Garden of The White House to strategize their next move on the government shutdown, invited the Dixie Chicks to open their meeting. The Grammy Award-winning trio gained notoriety when they criticized George W. Bush during a 2003 concert in London. At the concert, they said they were “ashamed” that the President was from Texas. The trio also hails from the Lone Star State. As soon as the Dixie Chicks began their opening hit song, Democrats roared in approval and applause. The song? “Not Ready to Make Nice.”
Judging from the musical strategies of either party, there seems to be no immediate end in sight for the government shutdown.
San Jose, California – It looks like the San Jose Mercury News and The Washington Post are both taking The Adobo Chronicles very seriously.
Both newspapers have sent separate notices to the attorneys of The Adobo Chronicles that they are about to file defamation charges in federal court against the increasingly popular news parody Internet site and its newly-released book version. (Disclosure: The Adobo Chronicles fired all of its attorneys months ago.)
The Post is suing for damages because of a news article published in The Adobo Chronicles alleging that Amazon, whose owner recently purchased the paper, will use old newspaper copies of The Post to wrap items bought on Amazon.com.
Mercury News, on the other hand is suing because the cover and copyright page of the newly-released book version of The Adobo Chronicles feature photographs of the paper shaped as a hat and as a cone-shaped wrapper for garlic peanuts (adobo peanuts).
The publisher of The Adobo Chronicles refused to issue a statement in reaction to the impending lawsuits, saying that “we don’t comment on any issue that is under investigation.”