Washington, D.C. – The U.S. State Department has warned airline travelers and visitors attending the Winter Olympics not to brush their teeth while enroute to Russia or while in Sochi.
Classified intelligence has indicated that bombs and bomb-making device may be hidden in innocently-looking toothpaste tubes. Apparently, it is a new strategy employed by terrorist elements that have, in the past, planted explosives in shoes and underwear.
The State Department has suggested that instead of brushing their teeth, people should just gargle with vodka.
Sochi, Russia – When the figure skating competitions begin a day before the actual Winter Olympics opening ceremonies, athletes and spectators will go through what may seem like security metal detectors. But lo and behold, they are actually ‘gaydars.”
These special detectors, the first if its kind in the world, will be installed at all entrances to the Iceberg Skating Palace, the 12,000-seat venue of the ice skating competitions.
Everyone knows by now that Russia has strict anti-gay laws in place, prohibiting any public display of homosexuality. While the Putin government has said that no foreigner will be arrested under these laws during the duration of the winter games, it is nevertheless taking extreme measures to discourage public display of homosexuality.
The gaydar technology, developed in China by Apple, will detect even the slightest trace of gayness by scanning the retina of the eyes and flagging any abnormal flickering of the fingers.
Russian officials said that any athlete or spectator who fails the high-tech test will be denied enty into the competitions. It wasn’t clear if the figure skating competitors are exempted from the screening. “I think the skaters will be exempted,” said one official, “otherwise we might not have any competition to watch if any of the skaters are banned from the skating arena.”
The men’s short program kicks off the figure skating competitions on February 6 and the Opening Ceremonies will be held February 7.
London, Great Britain – It is estimated that there are 42 Million people across the globe who are engaged in the oldest profession in the world. Majority of prostitutes are between the ages of 13 and 25 and about 80% are female.
Venezuela is believed to be the top country with the most prostitutes, followed by South Korea, Peru, Philippines and Nigeria. Completing the top 10 countries are China, Brazil, Malaysia, Germany and Thailand.
2014 may be the ‘Year of the Horse’ in the lunar calendar, but according to the British Broadcasting Corporation (BBC), it is also the “Year of the Whores.”
Prostitutes interviewed by The Adobo Chronicles did not even know they had their own special year but were excited that their beloved profession is “finally getting the recognition it deserves.”