Executive Order | The Adobo Chronicles

North Korea's Kim Jong Un, left, and the Philippines' NoyNoy Aquino — North Korea’s Kim Jong Un, left, and the Philippines’ NoyNoy Aquino

Manila, Philippines – According to a new law recently passed in North Korea, all men are now required to sport the exact same haircut as President Kim Jong-un. Previously, men were given several choices of state-approved hairstyles. There is no change as far as women’s hairstyles are concerned.

Elsewhere in Asia, Philippine President NoyNoy Aquino has issued a new executive order mandating that all Filipinos speak only in Tagalog, the country’s national language. Aquino is known for always using Tagalog in his major speeches and press conferences. “Ang Tagalog ang siyang magdudulot ng pagkakaisa ng lahat ng Pilipino,” (Tagalog will bring about unity among all Filipinos) Aquino said as he announced the new executive order.

Filipinos with American and other foreign passports are exempted from the new rule.

Aquino tasked the Philippine National Police (PNP) to implement the order which provides for a fine of up to five thousand pesos for the first offense, and six months in jail for each succeeding violation.

Any civilian who reports a violator to the police will receive 10% of the fine as reward and incentive.

Washington. D.C. — It was just a matter of time. President Obama has signed an Executive Order placing the popular social networking site Facebook under the jurisdiction of the Department of Justice’s Drug Enforcement Administration (DEA). DEA is charged with investigating and prosecuting drug and addiction cases.

The Executive Order came on the heels of a nationwide survey among Americans aged 7 to 77 showing that millions are now seriously addicted to Facebook.

DEA has opened a hotline – 1 800 IADDICT – to receive confidential tips to help the agency identify and file charges against Facebook addicts. DEA has also sought the assistance of the National Security Adminustration (NSA) which has long been known to be monitoring Facebook and other Internet accounts of Americans.

Under the Executive Order, Facebook addiction is defined as “logging in to a Facebook account for more than 15 minutes during any of these times: 6am to 9am, 11am to 2pm and 5pm to Midnight.” Those charged and convicted will face a maximum prison term of 30 days or until completion of a two-week Facebook Anonymous program, whichever comes first.

Everywhere throughout the country, this phrase will be repeated over and over as DEA pursues its mandate to curb the social menace: “Hi, my name is ——, and I am a Facebook addict.”