OBAMA SEQUESTERS U.S. CONGRESS

imageWashington, D.C. – With no apparent compromise surrounding the two-day old government shutdown, President Barack Obama today signed an executive order to sequester the entire U.S. Congress.  Emerging from a meeting with top congressional leaders at The White House, Obama said the order is the last remaining option to end the Washington impasse.

As soon as the congress leaders returned to the U.S. Capitol, Obama ordered the National Guard to put up a barbed wire fence around the  Capitol building, practically locking in the legislators and their staff.  Minority leader Nancy Pelosi delivered a signed copy of the executive order to Speaker John Boehner as he banged the gavel to resume the legislative session early Thursday.

“The sequestration order will only be lifted after both the Senate and House of Representatives pass a budget bill to end the government shutdown, ” The White House said.

All the cafeterias within the Capitol Building have been locked down, but the National Guard will make daily deliveries of McDonald’s burgers and fries to feed the legislators and staff for the duration of the sequester.

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FACEBOOK, GOOGLE, TWITTER THREATEN TO SHUT DOWN

imageSilicon Valley, California – As the government shutdown enters its second day — thanks to the stubborn Republicans and Tea Partiers in the U.S. Congress — three of the country’s social media giants threatened to go into their own shutdown unless the Legislature gets its act together soon.

Facebook, Google and Twitter issued a joint statement today saying that unless Congress passes a bill to reverse the government shutdown that went into effect yesterday, the social networking sites will also shut down their operations, essentially creating a total black screen on smart phones, tablets and computers.

Washington politicians know that  the shutting down of Facebook, Google and Twitter will  enrage millions of Americans who are already addicted to the social networks, and would, in effect, derail their chances of winning in next year’s midterm elections.

Facebook , Google and Twitter have given Congess until midnight tomorrow night to put up  or shut up. The companies are urging their customers to inundate the phones, Facebook  and Twitter pages, and web sites of their legislators  with text messages and posts to pressure them to pass legislation that would put the government back in operation.

None of the Relublican leaders could be reached for comment because they all had left the  Capitol early for happy hour in Washington, D.C. bars which were uncharacteristically empty tonight.

APPLE TO DUMP “AUTOCORRECT”

imageCupertino, California – Facing mounting criticism for the autocorrect feature of its smart phones and tablets, Apple today announced that it will be issuing an update to its iOS 7 that will virtually eliminate the much ridiculed feature which has embarassed a lot of people and cost them their personal relationships.

In place of autocorrect, iOS 7-C  will feature an automatic copy editor that will correct spelling and grammatical errors on social media.

Netizens have long been annoyed by grammatical errors on posts, texts and other Internet messages, so this iOS update is definitely a welcome relief.

Apple will employ copyeditors at its Cupertino headquarters to secretly monitor all posts and messages from its customers. These “live” persons will flag any grammatical errors and correct them in real time.  Apple has reportedly hired hundreds of copy editors who were fired or laid off from newspapers and other media outlets  as a result of downsizing, mergers and bankruptcies.

Examples of grammatical errors that will disappear from social media are the misuse of words like “It’s and Its,” “There, They’re and Their,” “Affect and Effect,” “Lie and Lay.”

“Social media will also see a vast improvement in the use of commas, apostrophes, quotation marks, among others,” Apple said.

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