MERCEDES-BENZ STOCKS PLUMMET; FIAT SHOOTS UP, THANKS TO POPE FRANCIS

SCV 1, the papal car license plate
SCV 1, the papal car license plate

Wall Street, New York City –  Stocks of Mercedes-Benz plummeted to their lowest level ever as the opening bell rang at all trading houses this morning. Listed as Daimler AG , its parent company, Mercedez Benz saw prices drop to under ten dollars per share, compared to its all-time average of almost eighty dollars.

This shocking development  for investors came as  news of Pope Francis’ trip to Brazil filled the front pages of worldwide dailies and made headlines in broadcast news and the social media.  As was widely reported, the Pope continued to refuse to use the bullet-proof popemobile during his appearances in the Catholic country, opting instead to borrow an old Fiat owned by a local Brazilian resident.  As a result, the value of Fiat stocks tripled in just the last 24 hours.

imageMost of the popemobiles used by previous popes were manufactured by Mercedes-Benz, except for the one used by Pope John Paul during his visit to the Philippines in 1995. It was manufactured by the local Francisco Motors, makers of the colorful jeepneys, kings of the road in all of Metro Manila’s streets and highways.

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ROYAL COUPLE’S CHANGE OF HEART ON BABY’S NAME

royalLondon, U.K. – Reaction to the chosen name of Prince William and Duchess Kate’s first-born was varied — from elation to disappointment.

The Roman Catholic Church could not be happier with the name George Alexander Louis because it combines the names of three kings. It doesn’t matter that the biblical three kings were actually named Melchor, Gaspar and Baltazar. “When people hear ‘three kings,’ the first thing that comes to mind are the wise men who traveled from their far away kingdoms to pay their respects to the newly-born Baby Jesus,” the Vatican said.

Fans of British singer George Michael were disappointed that the royal baby was not named after their gay idol.  After all, like the singer, it took the royal baby a long time to come out, the fans said.

Singer George Michael
Singer George Michael

Across continents, people named  George, Alexander or Louis — and their variations ranging from Jorge to Alejandro to Luis — were celebrating, claiming on their Facebook pages and Twitter accounts that the royal baby was named after them.

Amid all the reaction, an official announcement from Buckingham Palace said that the Prince and Duchess have decided to rescind the name they gave the baby boy after it was pointed out by Royal advisers that George Alexander Louis actually spelled the acronym, “GAL.”  The announcement further said that William and Kate would rather have their first-born grow up to be king instead of queen.

And so the world waits one more time.  What new name will be picked?

2014 WINTER OLYMPICS MOVED TO HAWAII

imageLausanne, Switzerland – Amid mounting pressure from human rights organizations that have condemned Russia’s escalating crackdown on homosexuality, the International Olympic Committee today decided to move the 2014 Winter Olympics from Sochi, Russia, to Honolulu, Hawaii. The dates remain unchanged, February 7-23, 2014.

The  IOC reached the decision as more and more sponsors like VISA, Coca-Cola, McDonald’s and Samsung, started  withdrawing their financial support for the international sports event, in protest of Russia’s homophobic stance.

IOC officials, speaking at a hastily-convened press conference after a whirlwind visit to Honolulu over the weekend, said that only a world-class destination like Hawaii can pull off preparations for the Winter Olympics in such short notice.  Instead of building an Olympic Village, Honolulu will provide tents and outdoor showers for all athletes and delegation members from participating countries. Honolulu will cordon off 5 miles of Waikiki beach for this purpose.

imageThe Blaisdell Arena will serve as the main venue for all the indoor sports events. It can easily accommodate an Olympic-sized ice rink, of course using artificial ice. All outdoor events will be held at the Diamond Head Volcano which will be fully covered with artificial snow.

Blaisdell Arena in downtown Honolulu
Blaisdell Arena in downtown Honolulu

Honolulu mayor Kirk Caldwell promises the most spectacular opening ceremony in the history of the Winter Olympics, saying that he has enlisted the participation of all the hula halaus and surfing clubs in the entire Rainbow State.  Instead of a closing ceremony, Caldwell said that Honolulu will host the largest luau Hawaii has ever seen. “It will be one for the Guinness Book of World Records,” he added.

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