Sochi, Russia – Dozens of athletes, mostly from the United States and Canada, were sickened just minutes after checking in at their designated quarters at the Sochi Olympic Village. Eyewitness reports indicate that the Olympians were being transported by ambulances to the nearest hospitals in the area. Many were suffering from nausea, vomiting and stomach flu.
Agents from Russia’s Ministry of Health immediately rushed to the scene to investigate the incident in the hopes of containing what was initially thought of as an epidemic.
It turned out that most of hospitalized athletes drank bottles of mouthwash provided in each of their living quarters. The labels on the bottles were written in Russian, and the athletes thought they were bottles of complimentary vodka.
As of press time, most were released from the hospitals and are expected to make it okay in time for Friday’s opening ceremony.
Washington, D.C. – The U.S. State Department has warned airline travelers and visitors attending the Winter Olympics not to brush their teeth while enroute to Russia or while in Sochi.
Classified intelligence has indicated that bombs and bomb-making device may be hidden in innocently-looking toothpaste tubes. Apparently, it is a new strategy employed by terrorist elements that have, in the past, planted explosives in shoes and underwear.
The State Department has suggested that instead of brushing their teeth, people should just gargle with vodka.
Sochi, Russia – The United States is sending its largest-ever contigent to a winter Olympics, with 230 athletes competing in Sochi. But there is a bigger story.
When the American Olympians enter the stadium at Friday’s opening ceremony, each will carry an open bottle of Russian vodka. As soon as they reach the front of the VIP stand, they will pour the vodka into the parade grounds.
The reason? It is to protest the embargo by the Russian government of a shipment of Chobani Greek yogurt which was supposed to be fed to the U.S. athletes while in Sochi. The yogurt shipment is in limbo at a New Jersey airport. The U.S. government has accused the Russians of using this nutritious food as a vehicle to show who’s in charge.
To counter the U.S. public protest, Russian officials have mandated that all American athletes undergo a blood test two hours before their respective scheduled competitions to detect even the slightest trace of vodka in their system. “Intimidation tactics,” one U.S. Olympic official said.