Salt Lake City, Utah – Pope Francis continues to win the hearts of Catholics and non-Catholics alike with his humble, down-to-earth, and open-arms approach to his papacy. Time magazine’s 2013 ‘Person of the Year’ seems to be transcending the realms of organized religion and is slowly but surely gaining the respect and admiration of, even the Mormons.
President Thomas S. Monson of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints (Mormons) has sent feelers to The Vatican for a possible summit with Pope Francis to explore a merger between the Mormons and the Roman Catholic Church . “I like everything I’ve seen so far about this new Pope,” Monson said.
Monson was reacting to a story by The Adobo Chronicles regarding women and gay Catholics flocking to Vatican confessionals following the release of the 2014 Priests Calendar featuring the best-looking Catholic priests.
“We have our fair share of good-looking Mormon missionaries, and they would look hotter if they donned the Catholic priest collar rather than the boring white shirt and tie,” said Monson.
The Vatican, Italy – The Roman Catholic Church in Rome is experiencing an unprecedented surge in Catholics going to confession that it had to pull out some of the antique confessional boxes it had previously donated to museums throughout Italy and elsewhere in Europe. The surge consists mostly of women and gay Catholics.
The Roman Curia, considered the council of elders of The Vatican, said that in the last week alone, an estmated 300,000 faithful flocked to confessionals in various churches in Rome. It attributed the uptick to the recently-released Vatican 2014 calendar which features some of the best-looking priests in The Vatican.
The Curia refused to confirm whether the upsurge was an unintended consequence of the calendar or whether the calendar was part of The Vatican’s marketing ploy to attract more Catholics to the confessional boxes. “Either way, it is a win-win situation for the Vatican,” said one recovering Catholic gay man as he left the confessional box to do his penance of three “Hail Mary’s.”
The Roman Priests calendars are being sold in Vatican streets for 10 Euros each.
Topeca, Kansas – The Westboro Baptist Church (WBC) announced today that their leader, Fred Phelps, has been diagnosed with incurable depression and Acute Attention Deficit Disorder. The announcement came soon after WBC said they were planning on picketing the funeral of ‘Fast and Furious’ star Paul Walker who died in a car crash last weekend. In a tweet, the WBC said, “Paul Walker taught a nation to be fast and furious. He died that same way.”
Church members, 100% of whom are family members of Phelps, said that their leader has become so depressed because he was not getting the right amount of attention he wanted from the group’s public pickets.
The WBC is an American unaffiliated Baptistchurch known for its extreme ideologies and has been involved in actions against gay people since at least 1991, when it sought a crackdown on homosexual activity at Gage Park, six blocks northwest of the church. In addition to conducting anti-gay protests at military funerals, the organization pickets other celebrity funerals and public events that are likely to get media attention. Protests have also been held against Jews and some protests have included WBC members stomping on the American flag.
It is not known whether Phelps will continue in his position as head of the WBC. In the last week, he has reportedly locked himself in his bedroom, watching a video of the 1950 film, Sunset Boulevard, over and over. Family members have heard him constantly uttering the line from the film: “Alright Mr. DeMille, I am ready for my close-up.” It is a famous line by the film’s crazed attention-driven actress character Norma Desmond (played by Gloria Swanson).