Moscow, Russia – The government of Vladimir Putin has offered Arizona full statehood in Russia. If Arizona accepts, it will become a recognized federal subject, the equivalent of states in the U.S.
Putin sent the offer in a message to Arizona Governor Jan Brewer after he learned that S.B. 1062 passed the Arizona Legislature and is now awaiting the Republican governor’s signature. The bill makes it legal for Arizona businesses to refuse service to gay men and women if it is not consistent with their religious beliefs. Russia has its own law, passed last year, that makes public display of homosexuality a crime – a law that had come under fire even as recent as the just-concluded Winter Olympics in Sochi.
Putin promised Brewer that the full expanse of Arizona will be “relocated” to a deserted area in Northern Russia (see map).
Upon learning of the Russian offer to Arizona, the U.S. State Department sent a draft revised map of the U.S. to the White House, showing what 49 states would look like. The State Department is recommending that the former spot occupied by Arizona be assigned to one of the territories or countries that have expressed some desire to join the Union, among them, Puerto Rico, Guam and the Philippines.
Manila, Philippines – Since the Philippine Supreme Court upheld a cyber libel law in this democratic nation of almost 100 Million people, the circuit courts of Manila, Quezon City and Makati City reported a sudden upsurge in libel cases filed by famous and infamous individuals. The Philippines’ top court ruled on Tuesday that a cyber crime law penalizing online libel is constitutional, and many critics fear this would all but legalize censorship and crush freedom of speech.
Records from the Clerks of Court from the three metropolitan cities showed dozens of libel cases filed in just the last 24 hours. The Adobo Chronicles obtained the following high-profile law suits prompted by the Supreme Court decision.
Janet Lim-Napoles vs. Senator Miriam Defensor Santiago. Napoles sued Santiago for being grilled and humiliated by the senator during the Senate Blue Ribbon Committee hearing relative to the investigation of the 10 Billion-peso pork barrel scam for which Napoles is among those charged.
Senator Jinggoy Estrada vs. Senator Teofisto Guingona III. Guigona is being sued for “pre-judging” Estrada in last week’s Senate hearing on the pork barrel scam.
Congresswoman Imelda Romualdez Marcos vs. The Estate of Corazon Aquino and former President Fidel Ramos. Marcos is suing for defamation of character in connection with her alleged 3,000 pairs of shoes. She claims she only had 2,686 pairs.
Businessman Cedric Lee vs. National Bureau of Investigation (NBI). Lee, the alleged mastermind in the mauling of television host Vhong Navarro is suing to dispute NBI’s claim that Lee kissed model Deniece Cornejo in the elevator during the night of the mauling. Lee claims the CCTV video was “doctored” by the NBI.
President NoyNoy Aquino vs. Maria Teresa Martinez, mother of Filipino Olympic figure skater Michael Christian Martinez. Aquino is suing to clear his name in the allegation that Mrs. Martinez sent an email to the Office of the President asking for financial aid for the young Martinez so that he can compete in the Olympics. Aquino said he never received such email.
Senator Nancy Binay vs. The Adobo Chronicles. Binay is suing us for this article we posted on our news site.
As of this writing, dozens of other politicians, television personalities and business executives were lining up in the three courts with legal papers in hand. The Adobo Chronicles will update our readers as soon as we confirm additional libel suits received by the Clerks of Court.
Washington, D.C. – The U.S. State Department has warned airline travelers and visitors attending the Winter Olympics not to brush their teeth while enroute to Russia or while in Sochi.
Classified intelligence has indicated that bombs and bomb-making device may be hidden in innocently-looking toothpaste tubes. Apparently, it is a new strategy employed by terrorist elements that have, in the past, planted explosives in shoes and underwear.
The State Department has suggested that instead of brushing their teeth, people should just gargle with vodka.