THE ONION WINS PULITZER PRIZE

onionNew York, New York – The Pulitzer Prize Board announced today that The Onion has been awarded a 2014 Pulitzer Prize, joining other winners from The Washington Post, Boston Globe, Oregonian and Detroit Free Press  all of which were revealed yesterday.  The board said that it specifically delayed the announcement of the award to The Onion to generate more attention to the new award category of “Amazing News.”

The Pulitzer Prize has been awarding excellence in journalism and the arts since 1917.

Champagne flowed at the undisclosed offices of The Onion as the publisher and editors made the announcement to their staff.

Unlike the other prizes, the category of “Amazing News” is not awarded to a single story, series or work.  Rather, it is an encompassing recognition of “a consistent and trademark news coverage that always catches the attention of readers,” according to the Pulitzer board.

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Andy Borowitz

The 2014 Finalists for the “Amazing News” Pulitzer included ‘The Andy Borowitz Report’ published by The New Yorker, and the independently-published The Adobo Chronicles.cropped-adobochron4.jpg

PHILIPPINES TO SECEDE FROM THE UNITED STATES

Uncle Sam
Uncle Sam

Manila, Philippines – President Barack Obama’s upcoming visit to the Philippines later this month is being described as an effort to seal the friendship between Uncle Sam and Juan dela Cruz.  Negotiations are underway to finalize a bilateral agreement that would increase U.S. military presence in what America considers as a strategic stronghold in the Asia-Pacific region. Obama and Philippine President NoyNoy Aquino are expected to sign the agreement while Obama will be in Manila.

Juan dela Cru
Juan dela Cruz

Not so fast. Senator Nancy Binay, daughter of incumbent Vice President Jejomar Binay, and sister of Congresswoman Abigail Binay and Makati City Mayor Junjun Binay, has filed a Senate bill calling for the secession of the Philippines from the U.S. The senator says she believes the Philippines will do just fine without the U.S. “After being colonized by Spain for hundreds of years, occupied by Japan during the last world war, and imperialized by the U.S. and Hollywood for decades, it is time we stand on our own two feet,” Binay told reporters at a press conference at The Manila Hotel, just blocks away from the U.S. Embassy.

Obama is faced by secession threats in his own country, with several states wanting to sever their ties from the Union.  The latest state to give notice of secession is Wisconsin.

One critic of Binay was quoted as saying, “I think what the senator really meant was a ‘cessation’ of the negotiations on the bilateral agreement.

PACMAN VS. TAXMAN: INTERNAL REVENUE CHIEF FLYING TO LAS VEGAS TO PERSONALLY COLLECT TAXES FROM PACQUIAO

Pacquiao and Henares
Pacquiao and Henares

Manila, Philippines – The Commissioner of the Philippines’ Bureau of Internal Revenue (BIR) is flying to Las Vegas today to personally collect taxes on Manny Pacquiao’s earnings from the latter’s latest championship fight.  Pacquiao on Saturday regained the WBO welterweight title from American Timothy Bradley.  Pacquiao, who won by a unanimous decision, is expected to pocket some $20 Million in prize money, in addition to an unspecified percentage of receipts from Pay Per View’s cable coverage of the event.

In recent months, Commissioner Kim Henares has been after Pacquiao and other high-profile celebrities in what many believe is her personal crusade to prevent her tax agency from bankruptcy. She believes her policy of going after the “big guns” will salvage the BIR from total collapse.

In a statement made to reporters at the Departure VIP Lounge of the Ninoy Aquino International Airport, Henares said she wanted to witness first hand how much the boxing promoter will give to Pacquiao as his prize money. She plans to demand immediate payment of taxes from Pacquiao while she is in Las Vegas.

Henares admitted that her trip to Las Vegas is funded by taxpayer money but insisted that the expense is well worth the tax that will be collected from Pacquiao.