NoyNoy Aquino | The Adobo Chronicles

North Korea's Kim Jong Un, left, and the Philippines' NoyNoy Aquino — North Korea’s Kim Jong Un, left, and the Philippines’ NoyNoy Aquino

Manila, Philippines – According to a new law recently passed in North Korea, all men are now required to sport the exact same haircut as President Kim Jong-un. Previously, men were given several choices of state-approved hairstyles. There is no change as far as women’s hairstyles are concerned.

Elsewhere in Asia, Philippine President NoyNoy Aquino has issued a new executive order mandating that all Filipinos speak only in Tagalog, the country’s national language. Aquino is known for always using Tagalog in his major speeches and press conferences. “Ang Tagalog ang siyang magdudulot ng pagkakaisa ng lahat ng Pilipino,” (Tagalog will bring about unity among all Filipinos) Aquino said as he announced the new executive order.

Filipinos with American and other foreign passports are exempted from the new rule.

Aquino tasked the Philippine National Police (PNP) to implement the order which provides for a fine of up to five thousand pesos for the first offense, and six months in jail for each succeeding violation.

Any civilian who reports a violator to the police will receive 10% of the fine as reward and incentive.

Manila, Philippines – Reliable sources within the Philippine military seem to confirm that a coup has been handed to NoyNoy Aquino on Christmas eve, but no one knows the whereabouts of the president.

Coups in the Phlippines – both successful and unsuccessful – have been staged against every Philippine president since the late Ferdinand Marcos fled to Hawaii following the EDSA People Power Revolution.

What’s different about this latest coup is that the instigator is no less than Kris Aquino, the president’s sister, who, in addition to her career in television, reportedly has her own political ambitions.

Upon further investigation of the report, military officials confirmed that they did intercept a cell phone message from Kris to NoyNoy. Apparently, the message said, “Mr. President, tomorrow morning, I will hand you a coup as my Christmas present to you. Please meet me at our hacienda in Tarlac.”

What the static-ridden message actually said was, “Mr. President, tomorrow morning, I will hand you the keys to a 2014 Nissan Sports Coupe as my Christmas present to you. Please meet me at our hacienda in Tarlac.”