Hollywood, California – The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences today announced that the 2014 Oscar Awards Night has been moved to a new venue. And it is not in Hollywood, but in the Philippines. In an email alert to members of the Hollywood Press Association, the Academy said that because of the importance of the red carpet ceremonies which precede the handing out of the Oscar statuettes to the best of the best in the film industry, it needed to find a venue that can host the all-important “who are you wearing?” pre-festivities. And host it well. The Academy also wanted an international group of fashion police since it’s tired of the aging Joan Rivers and the “E!” anchors and reporters.
Members of the Academy board made the decision after viewing the State of the Nation Address (SONA) by Philippine President Noynoy Aquino at the Batasang Pambansa (National Assembly building) last Monday. The almost two-hour speech (the equivalent of the U.S. State of the Union Address), was preceded by the usual fashion parade of politicians, their spouses and other invited celebrities and guests. This year’s SONA red carpet was extremely sensational as attendees donned the best creations of the country’s top designers, jewelers and shoemakers. Designs ranged from flowing ternos (the national dress) and hand-painted barong tagalogs (the national male formal attire) to rainbow-colored, ethnic-inspired gowns and floor-length dangling earrings.
The morning after front page coverage of all the major dailies highlighted the fashion extravaganza while relegating the text of Aquino’s speech to their B-2 sections.
“The Philippines sure knows how to stage an elaborate red carpet,” the Academy noted, adding that the change in venue from Hollywood to Quezon City, will ensure a billion or more worldwide viewers of the televised Oscar ceremonies.
Washington, D.C. – Facing criticism for the country’s turtle-paced recovery from the recession and continued budget woes that put him in a never-ending fierce battle with Republican legislators, President Barack Obama today vowed to use all available powers bestowed upon the presidency to significantly reduce pork barrel spending. U.S. legislators have consistently used pet projects in their constituent areas as a negotiating tool in federal budget battles. The most memorable pork barrel projects were Alaska’s “Bridge to Nowhere,” and Boston’s Big Dig (Central Artery/Tunnel Project).
Asked by members of the White House Press Corps about specifics of his plan, President Obama said he will propose to Congress a new legislation that would limit the U.S. government’s importation of Ibérico pork. The Ibérico pig is an indigenous species that is only found in the Iberian peninsula. The superb quality of the meat from the Ibérico pig is brought about by the climate, its freedom to roam outdoors and its diet. It is often fed on acorns which gives the meat its wonderful nutty flavor. The price of Ibérico pork commands a very high price in the world market, costing as much as $100 per pound, or approximately $20,000 per barrel. The U.S. Department of Agriculture did not return calls from The Adobo Chronicles seeking information on how many barrels of the pork the country imports each year from Spain.
Apparently, only Ibérico pork is served in the basement cafeterias of the Senate and House of Representatives Buildings on Capitol Hill, as well as during state banquets hosted by the White House. President Obama urged Congress to swiftly pass his proposed legislation cutting down on pork barrel importation. “I am confident we can pass this legislation in a bi-partisan manner,” the President added.
London, U.K. – Most everyone is familiar with postpartum depression which affects 10-20 percent of childbearing women. But doctors at the Royal Centre for Defence Medicine have discovered a rare form of depression that afflicts individuals other than the women giving birth. Amid the frenzy over the impending birth of the first child of the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge, doctors announced that the first patient they have ever diagnosed with this rare depression was no less than Prince Harry.
Doctors are calling this disease “prepartum depression,” apparently caused by panic or anxiety over an impending birth of a child. Hospital records show that Prince Harry has been suffering from this condition for 9 months now. It began immediately after the announcement that the Duchess of Cambridge was pregnant.
The Senior Psychiatrist at the Centre, speaking to paparazzis camped outside the facility, said that Prince Harry’s depression was caused by the fact that the younger brother of Prince William has been “deposed” from his spot in the ascendancy to the British throne. Prior to the pregnancy of Kate Middleton, Prince Harry was 3rd in line to inherit the throne, next to Prince Charles and Prince William. Prince Harry was reportedly resorting to drugs and alcohol, as well as behavior not befitting of royalty, since he learned of the arrival of the Royal Baby.
Doctors are closely monitoring Prince Harry’s condition, but would not confirm whether the Prince’s depression would automatically convert to postpartum depression once the Royal Baby is born.