SCIENTISTS DISCOVER VIRUS THAT CAUSES STUPIDITY

imageNew York, New York (The Adobo Chronicles) –  U.S. scientists have identified a virus that attacks human DNA and causes stupidity in human beings. Those infected become less intelligent with the virus impairing brain activity, learning and memory.

Researchers from Johns Hopkins School of Medicine and the University of Nebraska have identified traces of an algae virus, known as ATCV-1, in throat swabs drawn from healthy volunteers which appeared to lessen their mental capacity.

The researchers, led by Dr. Robert Yolken, had originally been working on an unrelated study into throat microbes when they unexpectedly located traces of ATCV-1 in human DNA samples.

ATCV-1 typically infects a species of green algae found in lakes and rivers, and has not previously been known to infect humans.

According to the study, those infected with the virus performed around 10% worse on tests analyzing visual processing speeds, and were slower to draw a line connecting a sequence of numbers randomly distributed on a page than their uninfected counterparts. The researchers also found that the presence of the virus was linked to lower attention spans and decreased spatial awareness, and a “statistically significant decrease in the performance on cognitive assessments of visual processing and visual motor speed”.

The U.S. discovery seems to explain why politicians in the Philippines seem to be exhibiting extremely high levels of stupidity.  The presidential palace, Malacañang, sits on the banks of the Pasig river.  It is the official residence of President NoyNoy Aquino. It is also a frequent venue for meetings between the president and members of his Cabinet as well as of Congress.

The Pasig River is notoriously a polluted body of water constantly flowing with trash, debris and algae. No doubt, ATCV-1 lurks in the waters of the Pasig and has surely infected the occupants and frequent guests of the presidential palace.

It is time to clean up the palace and Congress, as well as the Pasig River.

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AS BLUEFIN TUNA SUPPLY IS DEPLETED, SPAM SUSHI GAINS ENORMOUS POPULARITY

Bluefin tuna, an endangered species?
Bluefin tuna, an endangered species?

Tokyo, Japan (The Adobo Chronicles) –  There is some real bad news  for sushi lovers. Bluefin tuna, considered a delicacy in Japan and listed as endangered, has suffered a population decline of more than 96% in recent years, according to the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration. In addition, an estimated 90% of bluefin are caught before they can reproduce, crippling the species’ abilities to repopulate.

Bluefin tuna is one of the more popular of the sushi varieties.

But despair not.

U.S.-based Hormel Foods has assured the sushi-consuming public that there is more than enough supply of SPAM, the main ingredient in SPAM sushi/musubi.

SPAM musubi is very popular in Hawaii and over the years, it has gained enormous following elsewhere in the U.S. as well as in Japan – thanks to ABC Stores (found in every street corner of Waikiki) that sell this delicacy to the delight of Japanese tourists that make up a huge percentage of Hawaii visitors.

SPAM Musubi
SPAM Musubi

Consumers who prefer the original tuna version of sushi will still find it in most sushi bars and Japanese restaurants worldwide, but for a hefty price, averaging  $265 per  small plate.

So, if SPAM is not your thing, and you can’t afford bluefin tuna sushi, we suggest you stick to California rolls. There should be ample supply of avocados everywhere.

CNN THROWS IN THE TOWEL, CONVERTS TO A PARODY NEWS NETWORK

imageAtlanta, Georgia (The Adobo Chronicles) – If you were to believe CNN – and who wouldn’t — the public appearances and TV images you’ve been seeing of President Barack Obama are a “double.”

But don’t panic. CNN’s headline about the Navy SEAL who killed Obama is faux news.  We all know that Robert O’Neill who claimed this week that he had been the one who shot and killed the 9/11 mastermind, killed Osama, not Obama, in Pakistan in 2011.

CNN Workdwide CEO Jeff Zucker was unapologetic. “It was not an error in accuracy,” he said, adding that “it was part of our initial broadcast as the new cable parody news network.”

In the last several years, the pioneer in 24-hour cable news has  been experiencing a sharp decline in ratings and has been unable to fight off the competition from other cable networks like Fox, MSNBC and Al Jazeera.

“We are proud of our record as a trendsetter and pioneer, and we are very excited to have been the first to establish a 24-hour parody news network,” Zucker said.

CNN is preparing to launch its new logo next week which will read “PNN,” or Parody News Network.

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