Washington, D.C. – An estimated eleven million undocumented immigrants now living in the United States have started receiving notices in the mail to report to their nearest Citizenship and Immigration Services centers for immediate processing of their green cards. While the Department of Homeland Security and the State Department have both denied sending such notices, officials admit that from all indicatons, the letters seemed authentic and did originate from Homeland Security’s visa processing centers across the country. As such, the officials said they have no choice but to honor the notices and instructed immigration centers to start processing the green cards.
The Adobo Chronicles learned from reliable sources that a group of hackers was able to infiltrate the State Department and DHS computers and reset their systems to change the status of all undocumented immigrants to “legal.”
The hackers apparently got the idea after seeing the film, “Elysium.” In the movie, disease and poverty-stricken planet earth people are all wanting to be transported to a circular space station built and occupied by wealthy former earthlings. The station has the capability of curing any disease. However, only documented citizens of Elysium can enter the space station. Hackers then succeeded in re-booting Elysium’s data center and with the click of a button, automatically made all earth people citizens of the man-made circular planet.
Mason, Ohio – LensCrafters, the nationwide eyeglass chain known for its mantra of “glasses in an hour,” has offered Edward Snowden, the fugitive former employee of a contractor for the National Security Administration who leaked secret damaging documents to the media, a job as an eyeglass model. The Ohio-based company was apparently mesmerized by the photos of Snowden that have appeared in the media worldwide, showing Snowden sporting a stylish pair of eyglasses.
“His good looks with those glasses would make him the perfect eyeglass model for our company,” a spokesperson for LensCrafters told reporters today.
LensCrafters has offered Snowden a deal that would be hard to resist. The company will pay for his first-class airfare from Moscow to Ohio, shoulder all his legal expenses that may result from the espionage charges the U.S. government is preparing to file in court upon his return to the U.S. , and a salary as an eyeglass model that’s twice the compensation he was receiving at the NSA contractor company which fired him.
Snowden said he was seriously thinking about the offer and will make a decision in the next 24 hours. He said he will sleep over it on his sleeping bag at the Moscow airport and will have an announcement about the offer by 9am, Moscow time, right after he has had his cup of Starbucks coffee.
Manila, Philippines — It is definitely more fun in the Philippines – exactly as the Department of Tourism advertising mantra says – not only because Filipinos think up of the smartest and sometimes stupid things, but get away with it.
In a surprise move, the country’s Department of Motor Vehicles has actually adopted what was once a smart yet illegal activity, as an official policy. Effective July 15, 2013, the Department will be issuing two-for-one vehicle licenses whereby citizens or businesses owning two or more vehicles can purchase identical license plates for the price of one. This new policy is expected to solve the problem of many vehicle owners not obtaining the proper license plates because the cost and fees are too expensive.
The new policy is expected to put the Department of Motor Vehicles at odds with the Metro Manila Development Authority, particularly with the latter’s “coding” program. Under this coding system, motor vehicles whose license plates ending with an odd or even number are prohibited from the streets and highways of Metro Manila on specified days and times of the week. For example, vehicles wth license plates ending in 1 are prohibited on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays. Vehicles with license plates ending in 2 are prohibited on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Saturdays. The system has been in effect for many years as a way to solve the traffic gridlock that’s been the hallmark of Metro Manila’s roadways.
Asked for his reaction to the two-for-once license plates, Manila Mayor Joseph Estrada, who as president of the Philippines was impeached and convicted for corruption, said “I don’t care either way. I am exempted from the coding rules and I always have police car escorts wherever I go so traffic is not a problem for me.”
Already, some enterprising Filipinos are planning to buy the two-for-one license plates and sell the other for half the price.