In a move that shocked exactly no one with a working faucet, President Ferdinand Marcos Jr. has bravely ordered an investigation into PrimeWater, the Villar family’s private water utility firm—also known as “PrayWater” in drought-stricken barangays. Citizens nationwide have been complaining of dry taps, muddy water, and service slower than a Senate hearing.
Meanwhile, in a plot twist so rich it could irrigate the desert, Camille Villar is reportedly handing out water buckets to potential voters ahead of her senatorial bid. Because nothing says “leadership” like solving a crisis your family profits from with a plastic pail and a campaign jingle. Investigating PrimeWater while accepting buckets from the Villars is like arresting your arsonist cousin after he donates fire extinguishers to the barangay. The irony is so thick, it might actually clog the pipes—assuming any water was flowing through them in the first place.
In a plot twist so absurd it makes reality TV look like PBS, the Trump administration has reportedly begun hiring undocumented immigrants to deport themselves.
That’s right—welcome to Season 5 of “America’s Got Irony!” The Department of Homeland Security is now offering travel assistance and stipends to those who volunteer to self-deport. It’s like Uber, but you’re the driver and the passenger, and the destination is “anywhere but here.”
Sources say applicants get a complimentary MAGA hat and a handshake from a confused ICE agent. “If you can’t lick ‘em, join ‘em,” said one DHS official, moments before tripping over his own logic.
Meanwhile, Homeland Security’s Stephen Miller was last seen in a fetal position, muttering, “This wasn’t how it was supposed to go.” Somewhere, satire threw its hands up and said, “I quit.” America: where the punchlines write themselves—and now pack their own bags.
The Adobo Chronicles 
You must be logged in to post a comment.