ON ‘NATIONAL COMING OUT DAY,’ JOHN BOEHNER COMES OUT OF THE CLOSET

2010-12-13-BoehnerWashington, D.C. – Speaker John Boehner chose today, “National Coming Out Day,” to finally  come out of the closet. The pink-tanned, teary-eyed  leader of the Republican Party, announced to his colleagues in the House chamber that he can no longer go against his conscience or continue to hide his real identity.

Boehner, whose leadership has been questioned by his own party because of his inability to solve many political crises, not the least of which is the current stalemate around the government shutdown, said he was stepping down as Speaker of the House and severing his ties with the GOP, effectively immediately.

Boehner’s shocking revelation angered Republican and Tea Party loyalists.

“I am a closeted Democrat,” Boehner said in a privilege speech before the House, “and I am very sorry to have misled everybody with my false identity.” “I am a card-carrying Democrat and all these years I have been posing as a conservative Republican.  The reason I have been espousing indefensible and stupid policies is because I wanted to embarrass the Republican Party.  People often wondered why as Speaker, I have been consistently stubborn, refusing to negotiate with the President and the Democrats despite overwhelming negative public opinion against the Republicans. Till the very end, I have refused to admit that we Republicans caused the government shutdown.  Well, now you know.  I was out to destroy the Republican Party at any cost, and I think I have successfully accomplished that.”

Asked if he had any future plans to run for office under the banner of the Democratic Party, Boehner said, “I have duly served my country by being a closeted Democrat.  I am ready to go into retirement.”  I have my health care, my hefty pension and the admiration of the American people.  What else can I ask for?”

After his speech, Boehner left the Capitol and proceeded to The White House where he and President Obama will have an intimate, private dinner.

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PHILIPPINE CONGRESS’ JOINT RESOLUTION HONORING MISS WORLD 2013

JoinRezManila, Philippines – Newly-crowned Miss World 2013, Megan Young of the Philippines, came home to a very warm welcome from proud Filipinos who wildly cheered their beauty queen for bagging the once-elusive pageant title.  Young is the first Filipina to win Miss World.

The next few days will see a very busy schedule for Ms. Young who is expected to grace many celebration parties, public events and courtesy calls on President Noynoy Aquino and members of Congress.

When Young visits Congress on Monday, she will be presented with a rare Joint Resolution of the Senate and House of Representatives commending her for this extraordinary feat while expressing relief that the focus has been turned away from the pork barrel scandal that has preoccupied the nation all summer.

The Adobo Chronicles was able to obtain a copy of the Joint Resolution which will be formally presented to Ms. Young on Monday.  The resolution reads:

WHEREAS, Miss Philippines Megan Young has brought great honor to the country by winning the once-elusive title of Miss World 2013;

WHEREAS, Ms. Young has reinvigorated the Filipino people’s pride because of her achievement;

WHEREAS, this national honor comes at a time in the nation’s political history where the Filipino people’s confidence in both the Senate and House of Representatives has reached its lowest level since the founding of our Republic;

WHEREAS, this national honor focuses the spotlight away from the growing scandal relative to the pork barrel scam which has siphoned billions of pesos of taxpayer money and into the pockets of members of both houses of Congress and their cronies;

BE IT RESOLVED, AS IT IS HEREBY RESOLVED, that Miss World 2013 be presented with the highest commendation for helping save the asses of our colleagues in the Senate and the House of Representatives from the pork barrel scandal;

BE IT RESOLVED, FURTHER, that the Senate and House of Representatives declare a one-year recess from their sessions to appropriately celebrate this great honor;

FINALLY, this joint resolution will have the full effect of a suspension of any and all investigation of members of both houses relative to the pork barrel scandal.

Unanimously approved via voice vote by the joint session of the Senate and House of Representatives this 14th day of October in the year of our Lord.”

IMPOSTER FOSTER FARMS CHICKEN SICKENED BY SALMONELLA

image Atlanta, Georgia – For the second time this year, federal officials have warned the public about Salmonella infections associated with Foster Farms chicken. In the latest outbreak, officials have confirmed nearly 280 cases, according to a public health alert issued Monday by the U.S. Department of Agriculture. In July, the Centers for Disease Control noted that nearly 135 illnesses were reported in a separate outbreak that started last year.

To add insult to injury, Foster Farms has acknowledged that the two Foster Farms imposter chicken used by the company in its popular series of TV commercials, have also been sickened by salmonella.  The chicken, portrayed in the commercials as claiming to be corn-fed and always fresh, were photographed in a doctor’s office in Portland, Oregon, waiting to be examined and evaluated for salmonella poisoning.

The popular imposters have gotten into and out of some crazy scrapes: stopped by cops, choked in a tattoo parlor, driven in a beaten sedan filled with ice, attempted alleyway liposuction, marinated in a kiddie pool, wrapped in plastic, basted into a washing machine, crashed a Yoga session, busted in a motel room, binged on junk food, and much more.

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