In an ironic twist worthy of divine comedy, Donald Trump’s long-whispered dream of becoming the first American Pope has finally come true—just not in the way he imagined.

The College of Cardinals, after much incense-fueled deliberation, elected Pope Leo XIV, a humble former Nebraska librarian with a fondness for Sudoku and surprisingly, jazz flute.

Trump, reportedly dressed in a custom gold-trimmed cassock and holding self-anointed rosary beads shaped like little golf clubs, was seen pacing St. Peter’s Square muttering, “It should’ve been me. I have the best blessings, ask anyone.” Sources say he even tried to install golden escalators in the Sistine Chapel, “for efficiency.”

Alas, Leo XIV took the high road, blessing Trump with a very holy “better luck next conclave” and a prayer for “humility—bigly.” Trump’s consolation? He now refers to Mar-a-Lago as the “Vatican of the West” and has declared every Sunday “Blessed Brunch Day.”