Once heralded as the bastion of truth and fairness, SMNI News has devolved into a tabloid circus, covering such hard-hitting stories as “Plants Weep for Quiboloy” and “Clouds Form Halo Over ‘Appointed Son of God’s’ Compound.”
Gone are the days of factual reporting; instead, viewers are treated to sermon-turned-news segments where flowers allegedly wail in mourning for their dear leader’s capture. SMNI’s fall from grace, losing its franchise and retreating to the murky corners of social media, is as predictable as it is tragic. Once a network of promise, it now broadcasts propaganda, defending Apollo Quiboloy with religious zeal.
But really, who needs journalistic integrity when you can have exclusive coverage of houseplants suffering religious persecution? As SMNI clings to relevance, one can only wonder—will the Kingdom’s shrubs and bushes testify on Quiboloy’s behalf during his trial? Stay tuned for breaking news—if you can find it.
Pantaleon Alvarez, once a beacon of legislative order, now seems to have found his next calling: the nation’s doomsday prophet. His new prophecy? The Philippines will crumble if VP Sara Duterte gets impeached. Move over, Apollo Quiboloy!
Forget climate change or global pandemics—the real threat is clearly political accountability. Channeling the apocalyptic energy of the now-incarcerated KJoC pastor, Alvarez has stepped into the limelight with fire and brimstone rhetoric.
Of course, he’s counting on the 32 million who voted for Sara, blissfully ignoring that 31 million of those also supported Bongbong Marcos. Convenient, right? But who’s keeping track?
One can only imagine the fiery sermons to come, where political loyalty is akin to salvation, and impeachment spells the end of days.
In a move that would make any teleserye plot twist pale in comparison, former President Rodrigo Duterte has reportedly filed a “Malicious Mischief” case against DILG Secretary Ben Abalos and the PNP. The drama unfolded over alleged property damage at the Kingdom of Jesus Christ compound in Davao City.
While the case sounds serious, netizens couldn’t help but point out the irony, dubbing it “malicious mischief filed by the malicious (former) chief.” After all, Duterte, with his history of publicly inappropriate behavior—like his infamous jokes and ahem international escapades—seems to have written the book on “malicious mischief.”
Who knew the former president would turn out to be such a property damage defender? Maybe he’s found his new calling as a protector of the people’s assets—just make sure those assets aren’t women overseas!
Abalos and company, take note: this could be a long, sarcastic ride to the courts!
The Adobo Chronicles 
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