In a plot twist no one saw coming—except maybe The Onion—Donald Trump has announced he wants to be the next pope. “I’d be the best pope, maybe the greatest pope ever, people say it,” he declared, adjusting his MAGA hat, now bedazzled with faux gold crosses.

When asked about celibacy, Trump replied, “We’ll negotiate. Nobody negotiates celibacy better than me.” Vatican officials were reportedly stunned, not by the idea, but by the sheer audacity of him attempting to trademark “Holy Father®.” Trump’s papal platform includes building a wall around purgatory, renaming communion “Trump Wafers,” and installing golden escalators in the Sistine Chapel.

Critics argue he doesn’t meet the qualifications, but Trump insists he has “the best Bible knowledge,” citing “Two Corinthians” as a personal favorite. Meanwhile, the College of Cardinals has collectively Googled “How to exile someone from Earth.” Stay tuned—he’s polling well among televangelists and confused Floridians.

In what the Vatican is already hailing as The Miracle of the Very Stable Genius, Pope Francis has achieved the impossible: he got Donald Trump and Volodymyr Zelensky to sit down for a one-on-one chat without insults, tweets, or subpoenas flying.

Eyewitnesses say the meeting started awkwardly, with Trump offering Zelensky a “beautiful, perfect” cheeseburger and Zelensky replying by googling “how to escape through the ceiling.” But under the Pope’s steely gaze — and after a few gentle whacks with a rolled-up encyclical — the two leaders actually spoke civilly. Trump even agreed to stop calling Ukraine “a tiny place somewhere in Russia’s backyard,” while Zelensky promised to stop making passive-aggressive TikToks.

Vatican officials are considering canonizing Pope Francis early, noting that if he can pull this off, turning water into wine would be merely “an entry-level party trick.”