(AC Team Member Maria Bratikova contributed to this report.)
In a twist more shocking than a teleserye finale, Filipinos are now demanding a full recount of the papal elections after an American Cardinal — now Pope Leo IV — emerged from the conclave victorious. This, despite overwhelming online support for their beloved Cardinal Luis Tagle, who trended worldwide with hashtags like #PopeNaSiCardinalTagle and #TaglePaMore.
“We want transparency!” cried netizens, forgetting that papal elections are, by design, secret. Rumors have since circulated that the smoke was actually kulob, and Vatican Wi-Fi may have interfered with divine inspiration. Some even suspect vote-buying in the form of communion wafers stuffed with Dunkin’.
Meanwhile, Cardinal Tagle has gracefully accepted the loss, reminding supporters that sainthood, not papacy, is the real goal. Still, passionate Filipinos refuse to back down. One devotee was heard saying, “Walang himala!” as he stormed out of the cathedral, holding a rosary in one hand and a spoiled ballot in the other.
In an ironic twist worthy of divine comedy, Donald Trump’s long-whispered dream of becoming the first American Pope has finally come true—just not in the way he imagined.
The College of Cardinals, after much incense-fueled deliberation, elected Pope Leo XIV, a humble former Nebraska librarian with a fondness for Sudoku and surprisingly, jazz flute.
Trump, reportedly dressed in a custom gold-trimmed cassock and holding self-anointed rosary beads shaped like little golf clubs, was seen pacing St. Peter’s Square muttering, “It should’ve been me. I have the best blessings, ask anyone.” Sources say he even tried to install golden escalators in the Sistine Chapel, “for efficiency.”
Alas, Leo XIV took the high road, blessing Trump with a very holy “better luck next conclave” and a prayer for “humility—bigly.” Trump’s consolation? He now refers to Mar-a-Lago as the “Vatican of the West” and has declared every Sunday “Blessed Brunch Day.”
The Adobo Chronicles 
You must be logged in to post a comment.