In a bold geopolitical move, Governor Ron DeSantis threatens to take Florida’s sun-drenched beaches and alligator-infested swamps and secede if Kamala Harris wins the presidency this November.

Imagine the logistical nightmare! Americans needing visas to visit grandma in Boca Raton, Miami transformed into an international port of mystery, and Disney World packed up and moved to Ohio. 

As DeSantis envisions Florida becoming the next great world power (surely rivaling Monaco), the rest of the U.S. breathes a quiet sigh of relief at the thought of a more aesthetically pleasing map. Without that peninsula awkwardly jutting into the Atlantic like a sunburned thumb, the country would look a bit more… streamlined. 

Of course, this secession would also be a gift to international tourists, who can finally bypass Miami’s labyrinthine customs in favor of cruise ships launching from Georgia. Who knew the Sunshine State could shine so brightly outside the union?