MANILA, Philippines (The Adobo Chronicles, Manila Bureau) – Rappler’s website has a compilation of its own stories about Philippine President Rodrigo Duterte’s health. A photo that has been circulating on social media shows Duterte supposedly wearing a colostomy bag. His Hong Kong trips with his family were said to be appointments with doctors. The news media have been fascinated at his darkening skin color. Many wondered why he napped through the distribution of diplomas at last week’s graduation ceremonies at the Philippine Military Academy.

Today — once and for all — Malacañang Palace finally admitted that the President is sick. Very sick.

”He’s sick and tired of all the rumors and speculations about his health, Presidential Spokesperson Salvador Panelo told members of the Malacañang Press Corpse (not a typo).

To end it all, Panelo said: “I have news for you. Si Duterte ay isang masamang damo na matagal mamatay (Duterte is bad grass that won’t die for a long time). So, you scheming yellow politicians and destabilizers, foreign-funded news media and netizen trolls — you can all eat your heart out.  Duterte is not going anywhere, and you can kill your hallucinations about Leni Robredo becoming President any time soon, or ever.”

End of story.