In what the Vatican is already hailing as The Miracle of the Very Stable Genius, Pope Francis has achieved the impossible: he got Donald Trump and Volodymyr Zelensky to sit down for a one-on-one chat without insults, tweets, or subpoenas flying.

Eyewitnesses say the meeting started awkwardly, with Trump offering Zelensky a “beautiful, perfect” cheeseburger and Zelensky replying by googling “how to escape through the ceiling.” But under the Pope’s steely gaze — and after a few gentle whacks with a rolled-up encyclical — the two leaders actually spoke civilly. Trump even agreed to stop calling Ukraine “a tiny place somewhere in Russia’s backyard,” while Zelensky promised to stop making passive-aggressive TikToks.

Vatican officials are considering canonizing Pope Francis early, noting that if he can pull this off, turning water into wine would be merely “an entry-level party trick.”