San Francisco, California – It’s been two weeks since the new eastern span of the Bay Bridge opened to traffic. Now, the biggest controversy over the bridge is about to unfold. A new security leak reveals a shocking secret about the multi-million dollar infrastructure.
While commuters marveled at the suspension cables that emanate from a single tower, they are unaware that the light poles lining either side of the new span are actually missiles that can be activated and launched by a single computer switch. The missiles, according to the leaked documents, function both as “offensive and defensive weapons.”
The Adobo Chronicles learned that the secret missiles were incorporated into the construction plan soon after North Korea announced that they have nuclear missiles capable of reaching the U.S. West Coast.
The National Security Administration refused to confirm or deny the information leaked to the U.S. media. However, an NSA employee who requested anonymity for fear of retaliation from his superiors, commented: “The new span, because of issues with faulty bolts, might not withstand a 6.9 magnitude earthquake, but it will definitely deter any missile attacks against the U.S.”
New York, New York – Following their defeat in the New York Democratic primary elections, Anthony Weiner and Eliot Spitzer both announced that they have applied for Philippine citizenship in order to salvage their severely damaged political careers. Weiner lost his bid to become mayor of New York City, while Spitzer failed in his quest to become city comptroller.
Weiner had been in political exile since he resigned from Congress in 2011 for sending women lewd online messages and pictures. He got into the mayor’s race in May, and aside from a few dust-ups with hecklers, was largely well-received at first, holding the lead for most of June and July. Spitzer resigned as governor in 2008 and admitted he paid for sex with call girls. In exile, he bounced around television as a pundit. Then, just four days before the deadline, he announced he was running for comptroller.
The disgraced American politicians apparently saw light at the end of the tunnel after being briefed by their political advisers that in the Philippines, politicians get elected and re-elected regardless of scandals or even conviction and imprisonment. Their advisers pointed to the case of former Philippine President Joseph Estrada, who even after being convicted and jailed for corruption, ran and won the race for mayor of Manila, the Philippine capital. They also cited the case of another former Philippine President, Gloria Macapagal Arroyo, who despite being charged with plunder and is currently under hospital arrest, won a seat in the House of Representatives. They added, “This is not to mention the family of the late dictator Ferdinand Marcos whose wife Imelda has been elected to Congress and son Bongbong who won a Senate seat. Daughter Imee is governor of Marcos’ home province of Ilocos Norte.”
Estrada
The Adobo Chronicles has learned that Philippine immigration officials have offered to expedite the immigration and citizenship process for both Weiner and Spitzer while Mayor Joseph Estrada indicated he will roll the red carpet for the Americans when they arrive at the Ninoy Aquino International Airport. Asked to comment about the American politicians’ plan to move to the Philippines, President NoyNoy Aquino said, “They would be a welcome addition to the Philippine political circus, I mean circuit.”
The next scheduled national elections in the Philippines is in 2016. Will the Filipino electorate see a Weiner and a Spitzer for Congress?
Sacramento, California – Previously, The Adobo Chronicles reported on the duel between the Asian Mayors of San Francisco and Oakland over naming the new eastern span of the Bay Bridge. Oakland Mayor Jean Quan wants the new span to be named Oakland Bay Bridge because it sits in the eastern side of the Oakland-San Francisco border. On the other hand, San Francisco Mayor Ed Lee says that because the new span casts its shadow over Yerba Buena Island which is in San Francisco, the span should be named San Francisco Bay Bridge.
Now that the new span is open, the name fight has shifted to the West. The California State Assembly passed a resolution that would name both the eastern and western spans of the bridge after former Assembly Speaker and San Francisco Mayor Willie Brown. The resolution was proposed by Assemblyman Isadore Hall III, D-Compton and Assemlyman Phil Ting, D-San Francisco.
The resolution is expected to clear the State Senate as well.
Three former San Francisco Board of Supervisors presidents sent a letter to the Senate arguing against the move, saying that renaming the bridge violates the Senate’s policy against christening roadways after people who are still alive – and that naming the bridge after the oft-controversial Brown is “inappropriate.”
Asked about his reaction to the proposed name change, California Governor Jerry Brown said, “I am not totally against naming the bridge after my good friend Willie, but I would prefer that instead of naming the bridge ‘Willie Brown Bridge,’ it should simply be named ‘Brown Bridge.’ This way, my supporters and my grandchildren and great grandchildren can claim that the bridge was named after me.”
Willie Brown is distancing himself from the issue, at least pubicly.
San Francisco, California – It’s been two weeks since the new eastern span of the Bay Bridge opened to traffic. Now, the biggest controversy over the bridge is about to unfold. A new security leak reveals a shocking secret about the multi-million dollar infrastructure.
The Adobo Chronicles 
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