In a move that would make any teleserye plot twist pale in comparison, former President Rodrigo Duterte has reportedly filed a “Malicious Mischief” case against DILG Secretary Ben Abalos and the PNP. The drama unfolded over alleged property damage at the Kingdom of Jesus Christ compound in Davao City.

While the case sounds serious, netizens couldn’t help but point out the irony, dubbing it “malicious mischief filed by the malicious (former) chief.” After all, Duterte, with his history of publicly inappropriate behavior—like his infamous jokes and ahem international escapades—seems to have written the book on “malicious mischief.”

Who knew the former president would turn out to be such a property damage defender? Maybe he’s found his new calling as a protector of the people’s assets—just make sure those assets aren’t women overseas!

Abalos and company, take note: this could be a long, sarcastic ride to the courts!

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In a masterstroke of selective focus, Davao Region Police Chief Gen. Nicolas Torre has assured the Senate that his attention is solely on apprehending fugitive Pastor Apollo Quiboloy and four others, as named in a warrant of arrest.

Of course, it’s reassuring that Torre and his force wouldn’t dare waste their time on such trivialities as Dr. Lorraine Badoy, KOJC pastor Marlon Acobo, or vlogger Banat By—who just happen to be Quiboloy’s loudest defenders and, coincidentally, recipients of the good pastor’s “generosity.”

It’s comforting to know that while Quiboloy evades capture, his staunch supporters remain free to fan the flames of public confusion and misinformation. Why bother with those connected to the fugitive when you can chase after the man himself, right? Surely, the Filipino people wouldn’t be concerned about such figures, who by pure coincidence, happen to orbit closely around Quiboloy’s sphere of influence.