Ah yes, the classic political defense: “It was just an idiom!” Sara Duterte declaring she’s ready for a “bloodbath” in her impeachment proceedings is apparently just her colorful way of saying, “Let’s have a lively debate over coffee.” Because when normal people use “bloodbath,” they’re clearly referring to PowerPoint presentations and polite parliamentary discourse. Never mind that the idiom traditionally conjures images of mass carnage, economic ruin, or, you know, actual pools of blood. It’s just figurative speech—like calling a riot a “group hug gone wrong.”

Perhaps next time she says she’s “ready to burn everything down,” she’ll mean she’s redecorating her office. Or when she calls for a “massacre,” she’s just really passionate about karaoke competitions.

Satire writes itself when politicians throw grenades and call them metaphors. But sure, let’s all pretend “bloodbath” means “spirited discussion.” And maybe pigs do fly—idiomatically, of course.

(Melchor Vergara contributed to this report)

In a shocking turn of events, Senator Chiz Escudero has declared war—not on corruption, poverty, or political dynasties—but on the English language.

At the heart of this linguistic scandal is the word “forthwith,”which the good senator claims is to blame for the delay in VP Sara Duterte’s impeachment trial. His demand? That the Constitution should have used “immediately” instead, as if the fate of the nation hangs on a vocabulary choice.

One might wonder: has Chiz ever met a dictionary? Or, dare we say, Google? Because a five-second search would have told him that forthwith and immediately mean the same thing. But no—why fact-check when you can blame dead constitutional framers instead?

Perhaps next, Escudero will argue that ASAP should be enshrined in our laws, just to make sure no senator ever gets confused again. Until then, we wish him a swift (forthwith? immediately?) enlightenment.