In a plot twist so absurd it makes reality TV look like PBS, the Trump administration has reportedly begun hiring undocumented immigrants to deport themselves.

That’s right—welcome to Season 5 of “America’s Got Irony!” The Department of Homeland Security is now offering travel assistance and stipends to those who volunteer to self-deport. It’s like Uber, but you’re the driver and the passenger, and the destination is “anywhere but here.”

Sources say applicants get a complimentary MAGA hat and a handshake from a confused ICE agent. “If you can’t lick ‘em, join ‘em,” said one DHS official, moments before tripping over his own logic.

Meanwhile, Homeland Security’s Stephen Miller was last seen in a fetal position, muttering, “This wasn’t how it was supposed to go.” Somewhere, satire threw its hands up and said, “I quit.” America: where the punchlines write themselves—and now pack their own bags.