In a plot twist no one saw coming—except maybe The Onion—Donald Trump has announced he wants to be the next pope. “I’d be the best pope, maybe the greatest pope ever, people say it,” he declared, adjusting his MAGA hat, now bedazzled with faux gold crosses.

When asked about celibacy, Trump replied, “We’ll negotiate. Nobody negotiates celibacy better than me.” Vatican officials were reportedly stunned, not by the idea, but by the sheer audacity of him attempting to trademark “Holy Father®.” Trump’s papal platform includes building a wall around purgatory, renaming communion “Trump Wafers,” and installing golden escalators in the Sistine Chapel.

Critics argue he doesn’t meet the qualifications, but Trump insists he has “the best Bible knowledge,” citing “Two Corinthians” as a personal favorite. Meanwhile, the College of Cardinals has collectively Googled “How to exile someone from Earth.” Stay tuned—he’s polling well among televangelists and confused Floridians.