Filipinos take beauty pageants so seriously, you’d think Miss Universe was a national emergency. Every time a Pinay struts in evening gown, the entire archipelago pauses like it’s the Pacquiao-Mayweather fight all over again. Pageant fan votes? Dominated by Pinoys with ten Gmail accounts each.

But now, things have taken a divine twist. With Cardinal Luis Antonio Tagle rumored as a papabile, the country’s collective voice cries out, “Bring home the crown!”—as if the Vatican hands out sashes and bouquets in glittering ceremonies. Titas are readying their rosaries and pageant chants: “Q&A? He’s got the Holy See!”

The Holy Spirit, surely flapping its wings nervously, probably didn’t see this plot twist coming. One can almost hear a voice from heaven whispering, “Mga anak, this is not that kind of crown.” But hey, if Cardinal Tagle ever wins, expect a motorcade. And yes, Boy Abunda will host the papal homecoming.