Ah, the Duterte diehards—truly the gift that keeps on giving. Faced with the reality of their idol’s arrest and trial, they’ve gone from online tough guys to desperate pen pals, begging world leaders for a “padrino” to save the day.

Take Brit Malcolm Conlan, the self-appointed Defender of the Duterte Faith. After launching an online petition that achieved absolutely nothing, he took it a step further—writing to Donald Trump and King Charles of France (a country that, last we checked, has a President). What’s next? A letter to Pope Francis demanding an exorcism for the ICC? A Change.org campaign to summon the ghost of Ferdinand Marcos?

Then there’s Kuryente King himself, Mark Lopez, who now pins his hopes on Japan. Why? Because Japan is a major ICC donor and its current president is Japanese. That’s like asking a police officer for help after you just got caught speeding—because, hey, you once bought him coffee. Will the Land of the Rising Sun take pity? Or will Lopez’s desperation rise faster than the Philippine inflation rate?

Oh, the icing on the cake: Die-hard Duterte Defender Atty. Harry Roque, despite his ICC credentials, has just been take off the list of the defense counsel. And so is former Executive Secretary Salvador Medialdea.

As their hero faces justice, expect more bizarre antics. Maybe a candlelit vigil in front of Jollibee? A TikTok dance challenge for Duterte’s freedom? Stay tuned.