MANILA, Philippines (The Adobo Chronicles, Manila Bureau) – Malacañang has just announced  several openings for Presidential speechwriters.

Interested parties should contact Presidential Spokesperson Harry Roque immediately.

Here are the desired qualifications:

• Must be drug-free (except for over-the-counter medications)
• College degree not required (Alumni of Ateneo, De La Salle, U.P. and St. Scholastica’s College need not apply)
• Must be tri-lingual (English, Tagalog and Visayan). Working knowledge of swardspeak a plus.
• Must be comfortable using foul language
• Must have the energy to write three-hour-long speeches
• Crticial Thinking is critical
• Must have a large caché of jokes
• Must be well-versed in double entendre
• Must be a lover of women (gay men also welcome to apply since they love dressing up women and doing their hair and make-up)
• Must not be too religious (spiritual is okay) and willing to take on the Catholic Bishops of the Philippines
• Must have an I.Q. 25% higher than Leni Robredo and Cynthia Patag