Washington, D.C. – Speaker John Boehner chose today, “National Coming Out Day,” to finally come out of the closet. The pink-tanned, teary-eyed leader of the Republican Party, announced to his colleagues in the House chamber that he can no longer go against his conscience or continue to hide his real identity.
Boehner, whose leadership has been questioned by his own party because of his inability to solve many political crises, not the least of which is the current stalemate around the government shutdown, said he was stepping down as Speaker of the House and severing his ties with the GOP, effectively immediately.
Boehner’s shocking revelation angered Republican and Tea Party loyalists.
“I am a closeted Democrat,” Boehner said in a privilege speech before the House, “and I am very sorry to have misled everybody with my false identity.” “I am a card-carrying Democrat and all these years I have been posing as a conservative Republican. The reason I have been espousing indefensible and stupid policies is because I wanted to embarrass the Republican Party. People often wondered why as Speaker, I have been consistently stubborn, refusing to negotiate with the President and the Democrats despite overwhelming negative public opinion against the Republicans. Till the very end, I have refused to admit that we Republicans caused the government shutdown. Well, now you know. I was out to destroy the Republican Party at any cost, and I think I have successfully accomplished that.”
Asked if he had any future plans to run for office under the banner of the Democratic Party, Boehner said, “I have duly served my country by being a closeted Democrat. I am ready to go into retirement.” I have my health care, my hefty pension and the admiration of the American people. What else can I ask for?”
After his speech, Boehner left the Capitol and proceeded to The White House where he and President Obama will have an intimate, private dinner.