Category Archives: National News

National News, Social Media

Confirmed: Bongbong Marcos A Coke User!

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MANILA, Philippines (The Adobo Chronicles, Manila Bureau) – Amid all the intrigue and speculation about Bongbong Marcos using coke as evidenced in a supposed video that attention-deficient L.A.-based vlogger Maharlika Boldjakera has been gossiping about, The Adobo Chronicles investigative team can now confirm that indeed, the president does consume the controversial substance, and we have the photo to support our finding:

We hope this puts to rest all the social media brouhaha.

(Melchor Vergara contributed to this report.)

Holiday, National News

January 2-31, 2024 Not Holdays – Malacañang

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MANILA, Philippines (The Adobo Chronicles, Manila Bureau) – In a news-breaking announcement, Malacañang has declared January 2-31, 2024, as NOT national holidays, citing the urgent need for a month-long national reality check. 

The decree asserts that citizens will benefit from a mandatory return to the daily grind, where dreams of extended vacations and leisurely breaks are to be crushed systematically. 

Presidential spokesperson Just Kidding Ramos explained, “We believe that prolonged holidays lead to excessive happiness, and we can’t have a nation full of cheerful, well-rested people. It’s time to face reality – the world doesn’t stop for happiness.” 

Separate non-holiday declarations will be issued each month, the Palace told The Adobo Chronicles.

Citizens are encouraged to embrace the grind with open arms and stifled yawns.

International, National News, Politics

SWS Survey: 4% Of Filipinos Suffer From DDShitis!

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by Melchor Vergara

A recent SWS survey has shown that a whopping 96% of Filipinos are eagerly looking forward to 2024 with hope instead of fear. The remaining 4%, however, seem to be suffering from a peculiar ailment known as “DDShitis,” a condition characterized by an irrational fear that their beloved “poon” might face some unpleasant scrutiny from the International Criminal Court (ICC).

While the majority of the population envisions a future filled with rainbows, unicorns, and possibly a cure for traffic jams, the DDShits are trembling in their barongs at the mere thought of international legal consequences. Perhaps they’re concerned that their political idols might have to answer for some questionable decisions, and the prospect of accountability has them clutching their DDS pillows in terror.

As the nation collectively dreams of progress, unity, and a surplus of well-functioning public toilets, the DDShits remain stuck in a nightmare of potential ICC investigations. 

Let’s hope 2024 brings relief not just for the majority but also a cure for DDShitis.