In a bold leap toward Vatican cosplay, the Philippine Senate has decided to spice up the impeachment trial of VP Sara Duterte by going full papal conclave. 

Senate President Chiz Escudero, clearly inspired by either divine intervention or a Netflix binge, has reportedly approved a plan to lock senators in a room until they produce a verdict—or at least enough drama for a teleserye. No media coverage, no leaks—just pure, old-fashioned suspense. 

To announce the decision, a chimney (probably borrowed from an old Max’s Fried Chicken branch) will puff out white smoke if Duterte is convicted or acquitted. A loud speaker will blast the words “habemus iudicium” (we have a verdict).

The votes will be anonymous and confidential so no one will know how individual senators voted.

Until then, Filipinos will keep an eye on the Senate roof, praying the smoke isn’t just someone burning budget records. Democracy never looked so lit—literally.

Well, well, well—who’s choking on an apple now?

In the final days of the 2025 election circus, Sara Duterte, never one to shy away from poetic death threats, proposed that Rep. Joel Chua be fed an apple whole—preferably to a terminal conclusion. But fate, that cheeky little prankster, had other plans. Not only did Chua survive the fruit-based fatwa, he thrived—crunching the opposition and taking a big, juicy bite out of reelection.

Now he’s presiding as one of the prosecutors in the Senate impeachment trial of none other than Vice President Sara herself. Irony called, and it brought snacks. The very man she wanted silenced with Granny Smith is now the one reading her political obituary with legal flair. Turns out, apples are healthiest when chewed, not weaponized. Sara might want to rethink her produce strategy—next time, maybe bananas? They’re easier to swallow when karma comes around.