Turning the Philippines from a leading rice importer to an exporter seems like a Herculean task, but fear not, for we have a foolproof plan! 

Step one: Let’s eradicate all rice-based cottage industries because who needs suman, bilo-bilo, or bibingka anyway? Sacrifices must be made for the greater good of rice exports, right? 

Step two: Say goodbye to those pesky Camella subdivisions and hello to endless rice fields. Who needs modern housing when you can have fields of golden grains as far as the eye can see? 

Step three: Make it illegal for Mang Inasal and other restaurants to offer unli rice. Hey, it might even significantly reduce the incidence of diabetes and obesity among Filipinos.

Step four: Direct the Land Bank and others to accept carabaos as collateral for rice farmers to apply for a loan to purchase tractors and other modern agricultural equipment.

Finally, step five: Let’s hit rewind and repeal the Rice Tariffication Law because who needs pro-business economic policies when you can turn the country to the No. 1 world rice exporter?

With these brilliant strategies in place, the Philippines will surely become the envy of rice exporters worldwide. Because who needs diversity, cottage industries, or sensible legislation when you can have fields of rice stretching to the horizon?