Malcolm Conlan, the UK’s self-appointed guardian of Philippine politics, is back at it again—this time with an online petition demanding that Rodrigo Duterte be allowed to appear before the ICC via video call. Because nothing screams “justice” like Zoom court. This is the same man who once tried to revoke Maria Ressa’s citizenship, push Atty. Glenn Chong into public office, and erect a Queen Elizabeth statue in England—an idea so compelling that it gathered a grand total of 46 signatures.

At this point, one must ask: Is Malcolm allergic to real employment? Perhaps he should join his Filipino family in selling imported RTWs instead of peddling irrelevant petitions. Surely, selling ukay-ukay is more fulfilling than single-handedly attempting to reshape Philippine governance from his London flat. But hey, if online petitions paid rent, Malcolm would be a billionaire. Unfortunately, they don’t—just like his chances of being taken seriously.