(Melchor Vergara contributed to this report)

In a stunning turn of events, Chooks-To-Go has found itself at the center of a “poultry” scandal, labeled “bastos” (ill-mannered) by former broadcaster-turned-blogger Jay Sonza. The outrage stemmed from the chain’s audacious move to feature a character eerily resembling the illustrious Pastor Apollo Quiboloy, now somewhat preoccupied with legal matters, in a cheeky chicken promo. 

Atty. Mark Tolentino, the flamboyant lawyer and Duterte supporter, even threw in the towel, calling for a full-scale boycott and warning of a possible cybercrime charge. Because, apparently, chicken and satire now fall under the dark web’s jurisdiction.

What Sonza and Tolentino missed, though, was the ever-present, all-forgiving disclaimer: “All characters appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.” 

Come on, guys—haven’t we learned anything from all those Hollywood films? The cap worn by the character in the promo doesn’t even match Quiboloy’s in his iconic arrest mugshot. In the grand court of logic, Chooks-To-Go might have just roasted their critics on a spit, with a side of gravy.

Case closed! Time to order a bucket of chicken, because the only crime here is how irresistible it tastes.