The Metro Manila Council’s brainstorming session on solving traffic congestion has yielded an ingenious proposal: tinkering with shopping mall hours. Because obviously, nothing spells relief for gridlock like a spontaneous shopping spree at 3 a.m., right? But why stop there? Let’s slap some bandaids on this hemorrhaging problem! 

Designating malls for exclusive night shifts is the perfect distraction from addressing the real issues. How about we take inspiration from vehicle coding and introduce mall coding? SM Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, Ayala on Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays, and a free-for-all on Sundays, because even urban planners need a day off, right? Because what Manila truly needs is not a comprehensive, well-thought-out solution, but a carousel of half-baked ideas that conveniently sidestep the actual problem. After all, who needs logical, sustainable solutions when you can just shop ’til you drop, even if it’s at 4 a.m.?