Manila, Philippines – Reliable sources within the Philippine military seem to confirm that a coup has been handed to NoyNoy Aquino on Christmas eve, but no one knows the whereabouts of the president.

Coups in the Phlippines – both successful and unsuccessful – have been staged against every Philippine president since the late Ferdinand Marcos fled to Hawaii following the EDSA People Power Revolution.

What’s different about this latest coup is that the instigator is no less than Kris Aquino, the president’s sister, who, in addition to her career in television, reportedly has her own political ambitions.

Upon further investigation of the report, military officials confirmed that they did intercept a cell phone message from Kris to NoyNoy. Apparently, the message said, “Mr. President, tomorrow morning, I will hand you a coup as my Christmas present to you. Please meet me at our hacienda in Tarlac.”

What the static-ridden message actually said was, “Mr. President, tomorrow morning, I will hand you the keys to a 2014 Nissan Sports Coupe as my Christmas present to you. Please meet me at our hacienda in Tarlac.”