Moscow, Russia – Now that President Nocolás Maduro of Venezuela has offered asylum to fugitive intelligence contractor Edward Snowden, there is a lot of speculation on how the American accused of espionage will get to the South American country. Snowden remains holed up at the Moscow airport.
Pundits have ruled out swimming as a means for Snowden to get to Caracas because of the shark-infested waters between Russia and Venezuela.
Snowden is reportedly considering two options. One is to pack himself on a UPS package. Julian Assange of WikiLeaks has offered to pay for shipping and customs charges. The other option is to request President Maduro to send his presidential plane to fetch him in Moscow.
Snowden’s advisers believe that the second option is more viable considering the controversy and diplomatic issue generated by the recent incident in which the plane of Bolivia’s president was denied rights to fly across four European nations on suspicion that Snowden might be on board. The advisers say that the U.S. and the European countries will not risk creating another diplomatic controversy by interfering with the Venezuelan president’s flight.
An international drug cartel has offered to pay for the fuel should Maduro decide to send his presidential plane to fetch Snowden from Moscow.
Meanwhile, eyewitnesses have said that Snowden has been spending his wait time listening to his Rosetta Stone DVD to brush up on his Spanish.
Manila, Philippines – Edward Snowden, the former U.S. National Security Agency contractor who admitted revealing secret surveillance programs to media outlets, and who has been charged with espionage, has reportedly been sighted in Manila, roaming the traffic-ridden streets of the Philippine Metropolis. Manila, as many will recall, has been described as the “gates of hell” in Dan Brown’s latest best-selling book, “Inferno.”
An eyewitness said he saw Snowden dressed as a Catholic nun and entering a gated mansion owned by the Archdiocese of Manila. Analysts surmised that the Catholic Bishops may be unaware that the supposed nun was Snowden because of their lack of skill in picking out cross-dressers from a crowd.
The U.S. Embassy in Manila, upon hearing of the report, immediately filed a formal request with Malacanang Palace, the official residence of Philippine President Noynoy Aquino, for help in bringing Snowden into custody. It was unclear whether the Philippine Government would have the balls to gatecrash the Catholic mansion to search for Snowden. While the Philippine Constitution provides for the separation of church and state, the Catholic Bishops Conference of the Philippines remains to be a driving force in the conduct of government affairs. Politicians are constantly fearful that any action on their part that would piss off the bishops will lead to the former’s political demise, as was the case with Presidents Ferdinand Marcos, Joseph Estrada and other high-ranking government officials.
It was not immediately known if Snowden plans to seek political asylum in the Philippines, after several unsuccessful attempts to do so in China, Ecuador, Cuba and Russia.